Page 7 - 2016 Autumn-Winter Issue

person who died. But we have learned to do it quick before
the food gets cold. Then, as we’re eating we say, “Remember
when. . . ?” Sometimes our food gets a little salty, but it’s
worth it. It’s like our son is there with us. The first time we to give reasons.
did it a couple people were uncomfortable, but once they
got into it, it was OK.
A mother whose daughter died It is a wonderful way to
eight years ago suggested the
following:
talk about her life andA stocking is hung for each
acknowledge what she meantperson in the family, including my
daughter. Into her stocking family
to us.members write a note stating what
she taught them. The notes are
read after dinner. It is a wonderful way to talk about her life
and acknowledge what she meant to us.
A couple whose son died four years ago shares their
experience of the first three years:
During the first Christmas my daughter thought she would
help by keeping me busy shopping for her three children.
There I was pushing a cart with a gift list of toys and tears
streaming down my cheeks. All I wanted to do was crawl
in a hole and pull everything with me. I’m not sure how we
made it through the holidays, but we eventually realized
that things would never be as they were before. The other
family members thought they were helping, but we had to
decide for ourselves what was best. The second Christmas
was the hardest. On Christmas Eve we went to church and
to the cemetery and on Christmas day we delivered our
gifts and spent the day alone. We were feeling sorry for
ourselves, but that’s all we felt we could do at the time. The
next years we decided to do something for others. I called
the nursing home and asked the director if they needed any
help serving the holiday meal. She was very excited to have
us. A few days before, we had our grandchildren over and
instead of making cookies, we made table favors, including
cards, candy, and ribbons. On Christmas day we dressed in
our Santa hats and headed to the nursing home. When we
arrived, we were greeted with smiling, appreciative faces.
We served their breakfast and many of the residents took
us back to their rooms to see their gifts and family pictures. Thanks to TCF parents Ann & Neal, Roger & Sue, Joyce, Susan, Denise &
While honoring the memory of our son we forgot our grief Mushroom
that Christmas day.
In closing, let me leave you with some holiday stress-
relievers:
1. There is not enough time for everything. Ask yourself,
“What am I willing to give up?” and then, let them go.
2. Practice on saying “No.” to the things you do not
want to do. Here are versions of the same message: “No
thanks.” “I just can’t.” “I won’t be doing it this year.”
“Sorry.” Remember, when you say, “No” you don’t have
3. Plan ahead. Make yourself sit
down and write out your “Things
to do” list. Then go through it and,
as mentioned in #1, ask yourself,
“What can I omit?” Also, arrange
your list in priority fashion to put
the most important things at the
top of the list.
4. If you must purchase gifts,
ask yourself, “How can I do this
with the least amount of stress? For example, consider
using the Internet, having someone else pick up the
gifts, consider giving money or gift cards as gifts, or
have a family lottery where each person picks a name
from a hat and buys only that person a gift. Try one of
these ideas this year as an experiment just to see how it
works.
5. Start early. Pick a date to get done many of your
obligations now. Don’t put it off. Remember how crazy
last minute stuff can be. You don’t need any more
craziness in your life.
6. Do not rely on your memory to keep track of things
to do in your life. Presume you will forget things and
write everything down.
7. Ask yourself, “How can I work smarter, not harder?”
8. And finally ask yourself, “In what ways do I wish
to keep things the same and how do I want to change
things?”
As you finish this article and begin to put it down, you
might be saying to yourself, “Yes, there were a couple good
ideas. I should do them some time.” Quick! Capture the
moment now! Tape this article up on your wall so that
you will see it every day as a reminder of helpful ways to
get through the holidays. I’m willing to bet that your child
would agree with me. So, get started, OK?
Bob Baugher, Ph.D. is a Psychology Instructor at Highline College in Des
Moines, Washington where he teaches courses in Psychology and Death
Education. A professional advisor to the South King County Chapter of The
Compassionate Friends, Dr. Baugher has been invited to speak at 20 of TCF
National Conferences during the past 25 years. He is the author of several
books and articles on grief.
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