Page 6 - 2016 Autumn-Winter Issue

© Konstiantyn/Fotolia.com Coping with the
Holidays

by Bob Baugher, Ph.D.

Holidays used to be a wonderful time of year. The death of
your child may have changed much of the way you move
through the last weeks of the year. In this article we will
look at how bereaved parents coped during the months of
November and December during the first few years following
the death of their child.
As I’ve done in previous articles I called on parents and said,
“I’m writing an article for TCF magazine about coping with
the upcoming holidays. Looking back, what did you do that
helped you through those rough two months?” Here’s what
they said.
On December 23rd four of us couples met at the cemetery
where our children are buried and we had a short ceremony
at each child’s grave. We each brought a coffee can with a
candle inserted in it and something to read such as a poem or
letter to our child. We lit the candle, did our reading. In this
way it signified that our child is with us. We leave the candles
and coffee cans and pick them up the next day. Years later
it continues to feel good to look forward to taking this day
out for our child—to honor our child. As we finish at the last
grave we do a closing ceremony (such as holding hands or
singing a song). Afterward we go out to dinner.
Perhaps you’re not ready to do anything. Here is what a
mother said:
What helped me during the holidays was absolutely refusing
to smile and refusing to carry on the usual traditions. I did
what was comfortable for me. My relatives didn’t seem to
like it; but I was a mess and just couldn’t bring myself to do
any sort of so-called “celebrating.” The first year I actually
stayed by myself. The second year I scheduled myself to work.
This year I may either do volunteer work or head to Canada.
Thanksgiving is great in Canada—no Thanksgiving!
Here is what a couple has done since their son died six years ago:
The first year I went to the mall to buy people things. I
walked into the stores, looked at items, picked them up, and
put them back. I walked out of store after store, frustrated.
So, I didn’t get anybody anything the first year. The next
year I went to a craft store and bought a large candle, a little
artificial tree, miniature lights, and decorations. We put the
candle and tree in our kitchen, where we spend the majority
of our time. The candle stays lit all day. Over the years we
buy ornaments that remind us of our son. At holiday dinner,
just before we eat, we each go around and say the name of a

6 |We Need Not Walk Alone