Page 18 - 2017 Autumn-Winter Issue

Finding Grace in an Ocean of Sadness
by Tina Zarlenga
© David/ stock.adobe.com
“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn
out the pain.” ~ Joseph Campbell
Never anticipating the catastrophe barreling towards us,
I found myself powerless to the energy brought by grief.
Time had jumbled the chapters of my life, as it ended a story
that had just begun with lessons in unbearable loss and
impractical forgiveness.
This loss clung to me like a winter cloak, heavy and
cumbersome suppressing any salvation that once remained
while dissecting my heart. My child has died, and I have
been ushered into a dark room I dare not escape as the
avalanche of sadness cradles me in this isolated space we
call grief, barricading any light of the future, I gasp for air. towards enlightenment while mending your heart at a
Grief poured in unannounced divorcing our former lives
with death and destruction for us to untangle, leaving
debris we will examine for years to come. Bitterness
deepened the wound and this quest for blame distorted my
view. Abandoning the life before me, with no thoughts of
forgiveness in sight, this noxious sore eroding my soul.
Clutching the latch, my hands grope to release this ache,
each slip intensifying the panic as I fumble to let go. “I must
be drowning,” I pant, as the fog slips in and my thoughts
spiral about, we are engulfed in the depths of sorrow; with
nothing familiar in our path, our life capsizes as I surrender
to this broken place thrashing out to sea.
1 8 |We Need Not Walk Alone
Vulnerable to the waves of grief, we search for a beacon,
a light to guide us back to shore. Images overpower my
thoughts as I bail buckets of memories unraveling in my
minds eye, the life we once knew spilling before me while
no future can be seen. Wondering how to endure with the
fog eclipsing my view as uncertainty jolts me present and I
stumble forward.
The words spill out like honey from a jar, thick on my
tongue, slowly drizzling a sticky mess into the room. “I need
time to pass, this is too hard, and I need this pain to move
quickly so I can reflect and comprehend what has happened
to my life and why he is gone.”
But grace does not expand from approaching emotions; it
swells within them, gradually arranging the tangled puzzle
stagnantly slow pace.
I had to begin with a fresh mental picture, refining my
intentions through these somber stories where progress
becomes a smile, not tethered to guilt, as the murkiness
dissipates in the distance.
Tending to this ache produced an avalanche of thoughts,
words poured out through a stampede of emotions franticly
penned in journals as I softly began the healing process.
Gently extracting the hurt with authenticity inspired a light
of kindness within me, a balm that softened the jagged
pieces in the place where giving back brings comfort.