Page 20 - 2017 Autumn-Winter Issue

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Stuck Places: Is Secondary Gain
Snagging You?
by Barbara Allen
When asked what I do, I’m about to shock yet another
person. My answer these days is, “I specialize in the world
of death and drugs.” After reviving the person who asked,
I explain the losses that brought me to The Compassionate
Friends. Quickly I add how finding TCF allowed me to
evolve into advocacy to educate and save the lives of others is my hero for all things related to disability. When first
dealing with the disease of addiction. Should I change my
response? Not going to happen – I’ve become an advocate
for bereavement and substance use disorder issues. A bit of
gentle shock opens doors slammed shut by mindlessness.
Recently I was asked two very different questions which
got me thinking about the topic of secondary gain. I first
learned about this concept when I was suffering from a
collapsed immune system. My friend, Bruce and I were part
of a support group. We kept looking for healing options.
Others, instead, were adding to the list of their diagnoses. isolated at home. Dependent on others for food and
Bruce was formerly a successful banker now struggling to
pay his mortgage. I had my own financial issues fighting
insurance denials. After some time, each of us found
2 0 |We Need Not Walk Alone
different modalities that were providing us hope. We were
then tossed from the group as our health improved.
Another friend, Tim, introduced me to the concept of
secondary gain. He suffers a degenerative disorder and
experiencing onset of symptoms, Tim went to a martial arts
studio asking to be taught how to fall. When he became
scooter bound, he got a local engineering class to modify
his lawn mower so he could take care of the grass. This
meant he could also walk his huge dog. Always looking for
ways to cope, Tim often had wisdom to offer. His sister, with
the same disease and much younger, chose to collapse into
the disease.
Tim was still working and having a full life. Darla sat
ultimately self-care, she chose the path of secondary gain.
Always angry at being slighted by life, she demanded others
care for her. She assumed support would come in financial