Page 9 - 2017 Autumn-Winter Issue

responsibilities of one’s “previous” life. Perhaps one has
other children to care for, a job pressing one to return,
or bills on the table daring one to take a needed grief
break. Other issues may haunt you as well. For example,
it’s not unusual for a bereaved parent to become obsessed
with finding concrete answers to one question: How did
this happen? It takes time and energy to try to gather
information surrounding a child’s death. It’s also not
unusual for parents to blame themselves. There seems to
be a place inside most parents that always wants to protect
their child, regardless of age, especially when their child has Interacting with other bereaved parents allowed us to take
a problem or vulnerability. We may blame ourselves for not
seeing the signs of impending doom and then conclude that
our child’s death could have been prevented−by us. This
self-blame extends the grief process, intensifies it and may
result in becoming immobilized and overwhelmed by guilt
and shame.
Complicated grief can also result in an emotionally
vulnerable and/or dangerous state of mind. Some
parents may even become traumatized depending on the
circumstances surrounding their child’s death and their own
life experiences. On the British website, www.suddendeath.
org.uk., a list of common traumatic symptoms, as well as
other related information, can be found. The symptoms
include, among others, feelings of irritability, insomnia,
nightmares, feelings of personal responsibility for the death,
a belief that the world no longer makes sense, hopelessness
regarding the future, isolation from others, and a decreased
level of functioning in general. Whether or not the bereaved
parent actually meets the criteria for a Post-Traumatic Stress
Disorder diagnosis by a mental health professional, it is
clear that any combination of those symptoms could easily
interfere with one’s ability to cope. Although some of these
symptoms are experienced in most significant losses, when
the symptoms are intense, last longer than what is typical,
and interfere with daily functioning it is important for the
bereaved to be assessed by a professional. If they are having
persistent thoughts about not wanting to live, feeling hopeless forever, this work will go on as long as we live.
about the future, and not seeking help on their own, it is very
important that loving supporters respectfully encourage them
to meet with a professional for at least an assessment.
It is crucial for the grieving parents and their supporters
to know that professional help may be needed, is available,
and can help in ways that other resources are unable to. My
husband and I saw a psychologist for quite a long period of
time. She helped guide us through the most difficult aspects
of our grief process and it made all the difference.
In addition to the professional help that my husband
and I received, we experienced invaluable support and
comfort from several other sources. These included: 1)
Active support from family and friends through consistent
on-going contact. For example, at first we were invited to
brief, simple activities such as going out for coffee or tea.
Later invitations to a concert or a regularly designated
dinner date were offered. 2) Attending a series of grief
groups. These groups provided a weekly structure that
was very valuable during the first several months of grief.
off our social masks for an hour and a half and be open
about our misery with others who understood. 3) Engaging
in activities that were distracting and preoccupying thus
temporarily relieving stress. Early on I volunteered at The
Nature Conservancy doing simple tasks for goals I believed
in. Also, doing things like jigsaw puzzles, crossword puzzles,
and Sudoku gave my emotional brain a much needed break.
4) Doing activities that helped to temporarily transcend (rise
above) my loss. The source(s) of transcendence are unique
to each person. I felt transcendence whenever I explored
prairie lands with big blue skies, waving grasses and native
wildflowers or while photographing almost anything that
was part of the natural world. 5) Engaging in activities that
began a process of transforming our past relationship with
our daughter to a new one. As a family, we established a
scholarship in our daughter’s name and held fundraisers
to support it. My husband, who loves tulips, expanded his
tulip garden and transformed it into a memorial garden for
Melissa. The possibilities for people to process their sorrow
and honor their deceased loved one are endless.
The rich mixture of all these sources of support---from short
simple conversations over coffee with a friend to sessions
with our psychologist to whom we brought the most serious
issues---helped us survive and eventually thrive again. Grief
work is the most demanding work that I have ever done;
and, as anyone knows who has loved a child and lost them
Judith Sullivan, Retired LP, MA in Counseling Psychology. She lives in St.
Paul, MN and is retired as a Group and Family Therapist in the Adult
Partial Hospital Program at Abbott Northwestern Hospital in Minneapolis,
Minnesota. In December of 2001, her 25-year-old daughter, Melissa,
suffered a cardiac arrest and died 12 days later. As a result of the sudden
and complicated nature of her death, Judith wrote extensively about the
experience, her grief as it evolved over almost a decade, and specifically the
invaluable support that her husband and she received from other people.
The culmination of this endeavor resulted in a self-published book entitled,
The Terrifying Wind: Seeking Shelter Following the Death of a Child, in
January 2014.
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