Page 12 - 2017 Autumn-Winter Issue

© pauchi/ stock.adobe.com

The Unique Aspects of Sibling Grief

by Allie Sims Franklin, LICSW (Big A’s sister) didn’t always know where we were going! My mom used to
tell people that the only reason she got up after my brother
From the shadows we come, the surviving siblings. We are died was because I needed cereal. There is a little more to
all ages: younger, older, twins and subsequent children. We the story.
have our own story to tell, one that is often brushed aside
in the concern for our parents, the spouse, and even the It is true, I was hungry. But what she didn’t tell you is that
children of our sibling. We are grieving, experiencing the at first, she moved the cereal down to a lower cabinet, to
same intensity of pain, but not always acknowledged by make it easier for me to reach. And then she put the milk
others. When a child dies, a future is lost; when a parent in a smaller container so I didn’t need help pouring it. Then
dies, it is the past which is buried. The death of a sibling the TV was moved to a shorter shelf so I could turn on my
is the death of a friend, a rival, an antagonist, a confidant, own cartoons. By now, all the possible accommodations
and perhaps a co-conspirator. It is important to help give had been made for me to be “self-sufficient,” -- mind you, I
siblings a voice as we struggle in the shadows, searching to was 4. But every day I came back, needing something else.
find light in the darkness. Finally, my mom, exhausted and looking to grieve in peace,
asked me what more could I possibly need?
My mother would tell you that when my brother, Big A
died, “the world went dark and silent. No longer did life seem I told her that I needed my brother back. We cried together
while she explained patiently to her 4-year-old daughter
worth living. The sun grew cold and the music died. There for the thousandth time that he could not come back. Then
I asked her when our family would be fixed, “unbroken.” I
were no happy sounds in our house anymore and the sun cast
only shadows of sadness.” When Austin died, we all thought
the sun had left forever. But much to our dismay, the sun
kept coming up and we had to keep going, even though we

1 2 |We Need Not Walk Alone