When people reference a deceased person, it is not unusual to hear his or her name referred to in the past tense.
For example, upon learning that two of my sons are deceased, I have been asked: “What were their names?” The hair immediately stands up on the back of my neck as I use the present tense and say (while trying to conceal my irritation), “Their names are Erik and David.”
While it is indisputable that death takes away the physical relationship with one’s loved one, death cannot take away the spiritual relationship we continue to have with them nor can death take away their name. Their name becomes the living reference point for our relationship with them throughout their lives and following their deaths.
Upon a person’s birth (or perhaps before), the first gift one’s parents give to their newly born son or daughter is a name. In making that choice, different options for the first and middle names may be written out to see how they look with the last name. Or, perhaps these names were spoken out loud in order to hear which combinations sounded the best. Many times, it is important that a child’s name has a family connection. Much love, thought, and time are typically spent in choosing a name that gives one’s son or daughter a space and place in the world that is just for them.
From the very beginning of our lives, our names are linked eternally with a specific family. Over time, our names serve as a historical framework for our developmental progress, our medical records, school records, work performance, and leisure and civic interests. References to one’s personal characteristics, personality, reputation, character, and contributions to make this world a better place are inevitably linked to one’s name.
There is simply no other efficient or meaningful way to make the connection. One’s name becomes a kind of shorthand that serves as a starting point for conversations about an individual’s specific attributes.
Following a loved one’s death, his or her name makes it possible to continue to share stories, tributes, and memories; to plant trees, give awards, or do acts of kindness in their honor. Decades or even hundreds of years after an ancestor’s death, families wanting to connect with their family roots could not begin their search without a name. The documentation of one’s name available in numerous records—birth, death, marriage, church, cemetery, plat books, obituaries, pictures, old letters, and many more—connects descendants to other missing puzzle pieces and leads them to many other names and stories in their family tree.
A poem by John Rezmerski, a professor at Gustavus Adolphus College, was written as a living tribute to the thousands of patients who were interred on the grounds of the state hospital for the “insane” in St. Peter, Minnesota. The graves were marked with numbers instead of names. More than a hundred years later, markers with names have gradually been placed above the numbers. Following is a portion of that poem:
A name is a seed that encases
a whole tree, the memory
of a whole species.
Our names say: “However different this individual is of our kind.” That kindness makes us whole.
As long as documentation exists, the kindness that is inherent in one’s name, and is symbolic of our loved ones, lives on eternally in this world. Yes, my sons’ names are Erik and David—forever.
Use the chapter locator to find out information about chapters in your area. Locate a Chapter by selecting your state and zip code.
Comments are closed.
Her name is Lori and I miss her every day!
Nita,
You inspired me. I didn’t think that was possible.
My daughter, whose name is Madison, died of drug intoxication in June 2018. All those things are true… the process of choosing her name was so deliberate. And- she LIVED AND LOVED her name. She leaves two grieving parents and two grieving brothers. Yet, she lives on in us.
Thank you very much for all your help and support it’s been 21years since my Willam Ford was murder and there not a day goes by that I don’t Think about him I am very thankful for compassion Friends.org My son was 16 when he was murder at times I blame myself for his death I think if only I had said no you can’t go to your girls house thank you so much for letting me share
💝💝
Forever my babies:
Kellie Kaye 12
Mitchell John 24
Together forever waiting for mom to join them. I know what will happen: when I shut my eyes for the last time Kellie will be on one side & Mitchell on the other and Kellie will shout “let’s go mom”!! And off we go with Mitchell saying “slow down Kellie, I just want to look in mom’s eyes to see the love & joy that she has been waiting for”! A pause and off we go………………………….with the laughter I have so very much missed!
My son Jay Born May 1978 is so much more then The November 2014 accident that ended his life here on earth. His love for the mountains he grew up in . The kindness for pets. All the vehicles he did work on. But most of all his unselfish ways. Even at the end he gave hope to those in need by being an organ donor. My son lives on in my heart and family in so many ways.
Thank you! My son’s name is Robb. It has been almost 5 months, and some days I can barely handle it. He brought so much happiness in to our lives, so many good memories. I will love him and miss him forever. My brothers name is Doug, and though he died in 1973, I still say I have 5 brothers, not 4. He was an amazing funny young man, and Doug is still his name. I still miss him.
My son’s name is Adam and I long to hold him again, to hear his easy laugh and feel his calm, & self assured presence. He left this earth in 2017 far too soon at barely 21. A semi truck ended both his and a best friends life that night. But I talk to him every day.I loved him when he was across the country & I love him now, across this dark & unseen chasm.
My sons name is Andrew, he was ripped from me on 18 January 2019, he had Rhombencephalitis and was in ICU for 33 days, his last words were in hospital before he lost consciousness were, I need to sleep, why is that now forever. I miss the part of my heart that was him, it’s a gaping hole that can never be filled. Andrew is 26 year old
My son’s name is Timothy James, he is 27 and was lost to us on March 23, 2019. I miss him everyday, his contagious laugh and his smile that brightened every room he walked into. My heart is broken as I long for one more day with him.