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When an Employee Is Grieving

When a Child Dies

During our lifetime, nearly all of us will experience the emotional stress that comes with loss of any type.  However, the death of a child, sibling or grandchild is considered to be the most devastating loss a family member may experience. This poses unique challenges for employers who are concerned about helping newly bereaved parents, siblings or grandparents as they adjust to the demands of the workplace after returning to their job. This brochure is designed to help you (the employer) and your colleagues understand how to provide the best support for an employee coping with grief, especially after the loss of a child, sibling or grandchild.

The Grief Experience

First, it is important to understand that grief is a normal and natural reaction to a loss of any kind. It is a physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological response to a devastating event. Grief is shaped by our experience, religious beliefs, culture, physical health, along with the cause of the loss. Love, anger, fear, frustration, loneliness and guilt are all part of the grieving process.

Those who are actively grieving are caught in a web of pain, confusion and isolation. Those surrounding the survivors often express frustration and a sense of helplessness, which may, in time turn to impatience if the grieving process “takes too long.” Yet grief, with its many ups and downs, lasts far longer than most people expect or realize.

Research shows that there may be a loss of productivity and a rise in accident rates among employees suffering from emotional stress. An employee whose child has died may experience any or all of the following:

Each person’s grief is individual and unique and will vary according to the person and their circumstances.  There is no timetable for the grief process. During the weeks, months and even years after a child dies, the employee may have varying levels of productivity.  Some employees immediately return to work, believing that “keeping themselves busy” will help them cope with their loss. No matter when a person returns to work, those who are allowed to be open and honest about their grief experience and who receive support and understanding, will generally have a more productive work experience.

The odds are, when you are initially contacted by your employee, you will be one of the first to learn of the child’s death. How you respond will make a difference in the grief experience of your employee and his or her relationship with the work family.

Assure your employee that all job responsibilities will be handled by others until the time is right to return to work. Make certain all coworkers are made aware of the situation and are given the opportunity to provide real support. Allow other employees time off to attend the funeral, even if that may require closing departments or even the company for a few hours or even for the day.

Even if the employee does not work directly under you, visiting the funeral home and attending the funeral personally will show that you care and will be greatly appreciated. Within the financial capabilities of your company, offer as much time off as possible with pay – a bereaved parent, sibling or grandparent should be there for the family without having to worry about job duties and financial responsibilities.

Depending on the financial situation of your company, a donation to aid in paying expenses could be of great help and your company may want to contribute to and start a collection effort to help your employee’s family.

You can do a great deal to help your employee deal with their grief. First and foremost take an interested and caring attitude. Nothing makes a bigger difference in the work setting than knowing you and your colleagues truly do care and want to help. You may want to consider scheduling a meeting of management and coworkers before the newly bereaved employee returns to the job. During this meeting you can discuss how best to help the employee through the initial period of adjustment and how to handle the outward symptoms of grief, such as frustration and irritability.

Be certain to work with the employee to determine work assignments and to be sensitive in assigning new tasks or responsibilities. Do not “over task” but do take note if the employee indicates a readiness for additional responsibilities. You may need to be flexible in work hours and assignments as the employee moves through the initial period of adjustment. If the employee is involved in hazardous work, you may want to consider a temporary adjustment in duties.

If your organization has an employee assistance program, have a member personally contact the bereaved employee. Brochures about self-help groups and organizations such as The Compassionate Friends should always be available and offered as a means of support.

  • Listen! Allow the bereaved to express their feelings.  Parents, siblings and grandparents often have a need to talk about the child and the circumstances of the death.  It may be helpful to encourage them to talk by using a gentle question such as “Can you tell me about it?” However, realize there may be times when a grieving person simply cannot share their feelings. Try again at a different time if this happens.
  • Don’t stifle your own reactions. Although you are in a position of authority, if you experience deep emotions, share them. It is appropriate and the employee will perceive your reaction as caring.
  • Don’t try to find magic words that will take away the pain, there are no magic words. A simple, “I’m sorry” offers comfort and support. Use the child’s name when talking to your employee. Often a bereaved parent’s greatest fear is that their child will be forgotten.
  • Unless you have had a child die, avoid saying “I know how you feel.” It is very difficult to comprehend the depth of the loss when a child dies and to say you do may seem presumptuous to the parents. Even parents who have experienced the death of a child do not truly know what another bereaved parent is feeling, because circumstances are always different.
  • Avoid using clichés that attempt to minimize or explain the death, for example “It was God’s will.” Don’t try to find something positive in the child’s death, such as “At least you have other children.” There are no words that will make it all right and there is no silver lining to the reality that their child has died.
  • Avoid judgments of any kind.  “You should . . . or you shouldn’t . . .” is not appropriate or helpful.

As difficult as it may be for you as an employer to help the grieving parent, sibling or grandparent, it will be worth your effort. Company morale may be enhanced as other employees observe the way you handle this situation. In addition, your support can create a special bond that may result in more loyal, dedicated employees.

Your outreach and sensitivity through this most difficult process will be genuinely appreciated by a bereaved employee and will set a positive tone for everyone in your workplace.

When a Coworker Is Grieving

A child has died. There are no words to make that all right. But there are many ways you can help by being supportive. You have taken the first step in showing that you care by reading this brochure.

It is important to know that grief is a normal, healthy response to loss. It is a physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychological reaction to a mind-numbing and life-changing event. Anger, fear, frustration, sadness, loneliness, guilt, and despair are all part of the grief process.

Understand that grief is neither a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith. Actively grieving people experience pain, confusion, lack of concentration, and isolation. Those surrounding them often express frustration and a sense of helplessness, which may, in time, turn to annoyance if the grieving “takes too long.” Yet, the disorientation of grief lasts far longer than our society recognizes.

 

  • Contact other coworkers to let them know the situation.
  • Attend the funeral or call on your coworker to extend personal condolences.
  • Offer to help by doing something specific such as driving, making telephone calls, running errands.
  • Do not be afraid of tears. For a grieving person, tears are a healthy release.
  • Be sensitive to the fact that people grieve differently. Some may find great comfort in their work, while others may view it as an extra, sometimes unbearable, burden.
  • Offer to share the person’s workload, if you can. Sometimes the smallest gesture lightens the load.
  • There are no magic words to take away the pain. “I’m so sorry” will express your feelings honestly, while a hug or a touch will often give much-needed comfort.
  • Mention the name of the child who has died and listen as your coworker talks.
  • Avoid saying, “I know how you feel.” It is very difficult to comprehend the depth of the loss when a child dies.
  • “It was God’s will,” “Everything happens for a reason,” and other platitudes minimize the death and are rarely seen as helpful by the bereaved.
  • Don’t try to state something positive about the child’s death, such as, “At least you have other children,” “At least he didn’t suffer,” or “You can always have another baby.” These statements are of little consolation to the grieving parent.
  • Let your coworker express the anger, pain, disbelief, or guilt that may be there. Bereaved parents often have a need to talk about their child and the circumstances of the death over and over again.
  • Avoid judgments of any kind.
  • Be there. Do not wait for your coworker to ask for help. There are many tasks that need to be done when a child dies. Offer to accompany your coworker during some of these tasks, perhaps on your lunch hour or before or after work.
  • Remember your coworker on important days such as holidays or the child’s birthday or death anniversary. Send a card, call, or visit. Let the person know that you remember, too.
  • If you knew the child, don’t hesitate to relate a humorous or touching memory of him or her.
  • Be patient. Grief lasts not just months, but years and can also resurface unexpectedly!
  • Talk with management about ways your company can be supportive. It is to everyone’s advantage to help out the grieving employee.
  • Be responsive to the changes a bereaved parent experiences. While learning to live without the child, the coworker will adopt new behaviors and roles. Don’t expect him to be unchanged by this experience.
  • Refer a grieving parent to The Compassionate Friends. There are bereaved parents in each chapter ready to offer support, friendship, and understanding.
  • Break the isolation that often surrounds the bereaved by encouraging others to maintain contact with the grieving parents.
  • Continue your contact. Stay in touch by inviting your coworker to lunch or coffee.

 All the parents involved in The Compassionate Friends would like to thank you for caring enough  to want to help your coworker. Your concern makes YOU a “compassionate friend.”

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