Jon Shamres still chokes up when he talks about his little sister Gabrielle. “Gabi” as he fondly refers to her was the little girl with the big personality. Gabi’s beautiful smile, sense of humor, love of dance and ability to throw a football like one of the boys conjures up memories that still resonate after 44 years.
Jon was the oldest of the three children Arnold and Paula Shamres were raising in the northern part of Miami in Dade County, Florida. e Shamres’ seemed like the all-American family, tight-knit, loving and happy. It was the early afternoon of October 8th, 1970, when Jon said: “everything changed, I was attending law school in New York, my younger brother Seth was away studying at MIT, my dad was at work as a printing executive and my mom and 9-year-old sister Gabi were running errands.”
Nobody knows exactly how it happened. Paula Shamres was driving across railroad tracks with no protective guard when a fast-moving train collided with her car, killing Gabi and seriously injuring Paula. The chain of events that followed is still much of a blur to Jon. “My father’s boss contacted me and told me there was an accident involving my mom and Gabi. He instructed me to go to the airport where a plane ticket was waiting and that I needed to come home immediately.”
“In 1970 there was very little information to help those grieving understand the devastation the death of a child has on a family,” Jon recalls. In the beginning, he remembers kindness and support from family and friends at the funeral and for a while thereafter, but soon the rest of the world went back to live as normal while Arnold and Paula suffered in silence. Paula Shamres became a shell of herself according to Jon. “Both of my parents were suffering with anguish and great pain, but my mom was also struggling with tremendous guilt and regret, feeling responsible for Gabi’s death.”
Grief wasn’t something Jon was prepared to deal with, he and his brother Seth did what was expected of them and went back to school and poured themselves into their studies. The Shamres family, once a postcard picture of togetherness, were now walking a dark and lonely path individually with very little support or guidance.
Jon recalls very clearly hearing about the day in May of 1971 when his father read an article in Time Magazine.
It was about a young Anglican priest working as an assistant chaplain at a hospital in Coventry, England, who had founded an organization called The Society of the Compassionate Friends. e article told the story of Simon Stephens, who was newly ordained and very confident yet, realized that he was not prepared to help parents whose children had died.
The article chronicled how Reverend Stephens discovered the way he could best help grieving parents was to let them help each other. It was truly a twist of fate that led Simon Stephens to this discovery. He was comforting Joe and Iris Lawley, whose 11-year old son Kenneth was killed in a bicycle accident at the same time he was offering prayers and support to Bill and Joan Henderson whose son Billy lay dying from cancer in a nearby hospital room.
The two families got to know each other and soon formed a bond and found that by talking together they had found a place of comfort where they were free to express their feelings with someone who truly understood their pain. Simon Stephens later explained, “I observed these two couples for 6 months when I realized that talking together and supporting each other was more effective than anything I or anyone else could do for them.” In January of 1969, the concept of The Society of The Compassionate Friends was born and began helping families in England.
“My parents knew instantly after reading the Time Magazine article that they had to contact this man
Simon Stephens and learn more about his grief support organization,” Jon Shamres says. “My dad and mom began communicating regularly with Simon Stephens for nearly a year, and they began making plans for Stephens to travel to South Florida to help bring The Compassionate Friends to the United States.”
Arnold and Paula Shamres were always a great team. Arnold was the level-headed business type who could keep a project on task. Paula was full of energy and the “people person” who could dream big. The news of Simon Stephens coming to the Shamres home to help them form the first chapter of TCF seemed to put a spark back into both Paula and Arnold. “My mom and dad seemed to have found a purpose again and the thought of helping others whose children had died became their motivation for moving forward,” said Jon.
On October 12th, 1972, with the help of Simon Stephens, Arnold and Paula Shamres held the first meeting of The Society of the Compassionate Friends on U.S. soil. Jon Shamres attended that first meeting in the recreation room of a Jewish Synagogue in north Dade County and recalls “approximately 30 people filled the room, each sharing their story, I could tell instantly that those who attended were so grateful for the opportunity to begin sharing their grief with others who understood their pain.”
The news media was very instrumental in the early growth of TCF and coverage of Simon Stephens’ travels to the United States was featured on The Today Show on NBC.
Between 1972 and 1977, Arnold and Paula Shamres worked tirelessly with Simon Stephens to help other bereaved parents start 40 branches of The Society of The Compassionate Friends, based mainly in Florida and in the Midwest. Arnold Shamres founded a national office in Hialeah, Florida to help coordinate the work of the individual branches of The Society of The Compassionate Friends.
The Reverend Simon Stephens says of the early work done by the Shamres, “Arnold and Paula Shamres kindled the TCF flame, which now burns brightly in every state of the union. They were truly the pioneers whose vision persevered against the odds of a society not ready or willing to acknowledge the agonizing pain experienced by bereaved parents.”
When it comes to the early beginnings of TCF in the United States, it would have been easy to say in 1977 “and the rest is history.” But, in April of 1978, Simon Stephens called together representatives from all 40 independent U.S. branches of The Society of The Compassionate Friends to a meeting in Hinsdale, Illinois. 240 representatives attended and under his guidance decided to form a national organization as an umbrella to serve and support all TCF chapters.
Arnold and Paula Shamres continued to be key leaders as TCF grew from 40 independent branches into a national organization with hundreds of chapters. The Phil Donahue Show aired two episodes in 1978, featuring author Harriett Schiff on the subject of TCF and bereaved parents. The TCF telephone number was displayed on the screen during the shows and hundreds of calls poured in from those wanting to start a chapter or attend meetings.
Arnold Shamres died of a brain tumor in February of 1979 at the age of 64. Paula Shamres died 4 years later from cancer in December of 1983, she was 61. Simon Stephens says “these two beautiful souls died too young, but they left so much behind and continue to give to others because of their tireless work and effort to launch TCF in the United States.”
In 1982, Paula Shamres was a contributing author of the book What Helped Me When My Loved One Died by the Rabbi Earl Grollman. In the book, she tells her story of loss but also her journey toward hope. In an excerpt, Paula writes, “for Arnold and me, our reward has been in helping others to live and love themselves and love life again enough to go on despite what they have experienced. rough our own experience we have learned that with love and caring there is no death when we continue to participate in life in loving memory of our beloved children.”
Jon Shamres is now a retired lawyer and lives in the house where his parents last resided. When asked about all of the accomplishments his parents made to TCF, he sums it up this way, “I watched my mother and father find a measure of healing and meaning once again because the work they were doing became a foundation from which they could rebuild their lives after Gabi’s death. My parents survived and thrived once again because they could continue to honor Gabi’s life by living theirs.”
TCF has many heroes without whose efforts our organization may have faltered. Arnold and Paula Shamres are two of our pioneering heroes. Without their initial efforts, TCF may have never grown into the incredible organization it is today. Jon Shamres is proud of his parents and honored to talk about his sister, the little girl with the big personality whose life was beautiful and whose death inspired over 40 years of help and healing for hundreds of thousands of grieving families.
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