“Mommy . . . Daddy, kiss it and make the hurt go away.” You probably heard it when your children were small, but if your child has experienced “the parent’s worst nightmare,” they’re going to need more help.
As a family, we all live close to one another, and as grandparents, we feel so blessed and thankful to have our children and grandchildren as part of our daily lives. We share a deep bond and love with our grandchildren that is equal to, if not greater than, that with our own kids. Grandchildren are our reward. They are the fruit of our lives.
On June 14, 2007, we lost two granddaughters. Loral was 12 years old and Macy was 14 years old. They were cousins who died in the same instant as two other kids on that fateful morning in a terrible auto/train wreck, just down the street from where we live. Each of our two sons tragically lost a daughter in that one single horrific moment.
This unfortunate event and the terror and sadness of that day changed everything forever. Since that day, my wife and I continue to dwell in a realm of sadness, grief, and longing for the girls. We are survivors, however, and know we must live life as it is presented to us each day, but this tragedy has necessitated that we now live it in such a different way. As with bereaved parents, bereaved grandparents seek and need understanding as well.
I cannot speak for all grandparents, and especially those who live far away from their grandchildren, but I can say that when you raise your grandchildren, the bonds grow very deep. When you have reached the stage of life to “grandparent,” you seem to become much more active and appreciative in observing, guiding, and reliving the “wonders of a child growing up.” We have more time and we take more time for them. Our youthful years have passed, and our need for a social life is much less important. Our grandchildren are the hub of our world.
As bereaved grandparents, we deeply suffered the loss of our grandchildren, but we also have had the pain of watching our sons endure “the parent’s worst nightmare.” You question what you can do to make them feel better, what you could possibly do to make the hurt go away. You wonder how you can make things alright and if there’s any way to help your children bring their lives back into a tolerable form.
Each of our sons lost a daughter, which also means four of our other grandchildren lost sisters. How can we make their hurt go away? What about the aunts, uncles, and cousins? What about our daughter in laws? Aren’t we grandparents supposed to be the rock of the family?
We watched our two sons independently seek grief relief, and later wind up hitting rock bottom. The imaginary grief relief led to substance abuse. Now, both have risen above the use of substances for temporary relief through intense medical, spiritual, and self-help, yet they will remain vulnerable for the rest of their lives. Both marriages ended in divorce, and one daughter-in-law has passed on. Both sons continue their lives with their surviving children, but walk the crazy road of grief each day.
There is little you can do to “make the hurt go away.” As bereaved grandparents, you know that already. I think it is important to simply observe and understand your child’s outrage and their questions of “Why?” Support them through their tears, their confusion, their emotional roller coaster, their need for moments alone, their mysterious ways, their avoidance of certain gatherings, and the recognition of “that look” so deeply etched on their faces. I do not question their impatience or their disregard for self. I just know they think differently than before. I also recognize improvements in certain values brought on by their loss. These improvements are called “blessings.” Psychiatric help and counseling may help some, but those counselors can never understand unless they are bereaved parents themselves.
As bereaved grandparents involved with TCF, my wife and I have helped other bereaved parents recognize and better understand a grandparent’s pain. This recognition and understanding are therapeutic for both the parents and the grandparents.
I think some grandparents often try to appear strong for their bereaved children, to the extent they find themselves caught in a place of “holding it in.” Consequently, they’re not able to grieve as bereaved grandparents really need to do. I’m not able to hide my grief. I will be forever emotionally extended beyond complete comfort because I miss my granddaughters so much.
A family must “huddle together” through all of the steps along this journey, sharing the overwhelming pain. Showing strength in such a loss might really be necessary through the funeral arrangements and the service; however, the need for this kind of strength often isn’t long-term. Could it be that displaying only strength sends a false message to the bereaved son or daughter that they also need to be strong? The grandparent’s grief is real and needs to be visible in order to let the bereaved child understand that he or she is not alone in this world and forever carrying a full load of grief.
It has been more than four years since our lives changed forever. Impacts of our granddaughters’ deaths continue to play out each day. For only a lifetime, each of us will continue our quest for normal, but most important, we accept ourselves as survivors of grief, carrying our load as we trudge forth each day.
Things are getting better, even if just in fleeting moments. I am soon to be 70 years old and will always live with this terrible loss, yet I still believe the “golden years” are going to be possible!
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As a bereaved Grandparent myself for 20years I was so comforted by Donald Moyers beautifully expressed sentiments! Thank you so much for sharing !
HUGS, BettyJeanne Farrel, SarahLouise’s NANA
I am also a bereaved Grandparent for 8 years now with a loss of a forever 2 year old Grandson. This article speaks from the heart and is beautifully written, as the author Donald Moyers relates to a Grandparent’s Grief and as well as to a Parent’s Grief and having experienced both types of losses. I thank you very much for sharing your story and experiences with others from this unique prospective of loss from both sides of a Parent and Grandparent. I am so very sorry for your losses Donald Moyers as father of bereaved sons, Dawson and Doug, and the grandfather of beloved Macy and Loral. I want to also thank both Donald and wife Elizabeth who have helped other bereaved Parents recognize and better understand a Grandparent’s pain. I also believe this recognition and understanding are therapeutic for both Parents and the Grandparents. I a m happy you are affiliated with a Chapter of The Compassionate Friends in your area. Hugs – from Debbie Fluhr, Avery’s Grandmother, forever 2 years old.
My husband and I lost our 17 year old grandson, Nicolas in a one vehicle accident on 2-2-18. He was driving, and his girlfriend was with him. Very minor damage, neither wearing a seatbelt. Not a scratch on either, but he was killed instantly. He broke his neck. Our family is completely devastated by this huge loss. Our daughter will never ever be the same people. Eighteen months to the day he was buried, our daughter in law went to work, the same routine she has done for 11 years,and didn’t drop off our 23 month old grandson. He died in a hot van. We’ve lived in the completely shattered world for 19 months now. I’m so thankful for the kind and wonderful people we raised. They have been a rock for each other! I try to keep the family “going”, but I live in my head and cry behind the door all. the. time!!!! I don’t understand how and why some families have to sacrifice so much. I loved those boys more than life. So did their parents, siblings other grandparents, aunts,uncles and cousins. We will live on and make them proud. 💔 thanks for sharing your story. GODSPEED ♥️