Page 19 - 2018 Spring Issue

Good Gracious Grief Are there so very few bereaved parents who are willing to allowing their memory to propel us to the peak of what this

surrender the guilt of finding happiness and hope that they
life has to give. If we don’t, then we allow their light to fizzle
can’t sustain a webpage? I aligned all that I had learned out with their memory.
by Victoria Knowles in the months since losing my son, all that I had felt and

denied, all the meditation, memories, and summoning of This brings us to that crazy word that represents a feeling
my Ben’s strong soul to guide me in the direction that I that is so hard for bereaved parents to muster.
should be going. I then realized, I had to find my own way, Gratitude.
my own inner peace. For many, the thought of feeling gratitude when faced

My son had a phrase that with the loss of a
he would say quite often As keepers of the memories of our child is inconceivable
in the course of his life -a concept that can
if someone doubted his children’s journey here on Earth, we induce anger among
ability to do something. I have been bestowed with the ultimate the bereaved if merely
had that phrase tattooed suggested. But consider
on the inside of my left purpose. We are tasked with showing the this: If you knew,
wrist. before your child
world the light of our children’s souls by was conceived, that
“I got this” you would lose them
Three words that I would living the life that they cannot. to suffer the most
never have imagined inconceivable tragedy
© deberarr / stock.adobe.com from which I draw my strength to conquer almost all of my have had them? If the answer is undoubtedly yes, then your
would become the source
known, would you still
gratitude for their life is absolutely more powerful than your
insecurities.
grief.
I realized, if I was to honor my son for the rest of my life, I

happy, and your child absolutely wants you to be thankful
and he was no longer here in physical form to do it himself,
that they were part of your life, and for the life that allowed
I had to do it for him. That is now my role as his mother.
Grief and Gratitude. Two words that aren’t often spoken in Daily, I searched the internet for grief groups dedicated to couldn’t do it from my bed. If my son’s life was worth living Your child wants you to feel joy. Your child wants you to be
the same sentence. bereaved parents. I found several online groups, articles If people see me in constant suffering, they will begin to them to be part of you. Grief and gratitude are seemingly
written by inconsolable mothers, stories describing the avoid me, as it is human nature to resist that which causes contrary to one another, yet it is almost impossible to have
I lost my oldest son, Ben, in June of 2016 in a vehicle anguish and suffering these parents were feeling, and discomfort or evokes negative emotions. If this happens, one without the other.
accident. The activities of those first few months are still needed to share with those who understood. I wept for and then how will I accomplish my duty of keeping my son’s
fuzzy in my current memory, but I do recall the emotion with these strangers. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was seeking memory alive? If they forget me, then his memory will also We will always have our bad days. Our days when we run
of the moment in extreme detail. I remember feeling true in my new role, but I knew I needed to find at least one be forgotten. from life and hide in a corner so there is no witness to
hopelessness for the first time in my life. our tears. We will break down at work, in the car, on the
thing.
Most bereaved parents go through the motions of life on treadmill at the gym, when we least expect it. We must
You’ve heard it said that the moment we lose our child, we Hope. auto-pilot. Existing only because they have other children to embrace those moments also, as they are necessary in our
lose who we once were. Those words are an understatement take care of, or don’t want to cause more suffering for their healing. Allow your tears to cleanse and release you, and
of our reality. A piece of us - literally a piece of who we are The hope to believe that I was not going to spend the rest families. They’re alive, but have ceased to live. Some parents give you strength to live for your child in the days ahead.
- is physically no longer on this planet with us. Just as if we of my journey without feeling joy or seeing my life in color of child-loss believe that their life no longer holds purpose, There is no “right way” to grieve, but there is hope that you
were to lose a segment of our brain, or a limb, or any other again; I couldn’t accept it. especially if they’ve lost an only child. This couldn’t be can and will feel happiness again. You will learn to exist
major physical aspect of our bodies, we are different. The results were few. In fact, after all my searches, there further from the truth. with all these emotions at the same time. That’s the beauty
was only one that gave me exactly what I was looking for. I of our new selves. Our tribe is incredible like that.
I mourned, not only for my child, but for the old me. Not As keepers of the memories of our children’s journey here
only did I want my child back, but I wanted to be able to joined. I felt a tinge of hope that this person and her website on Earth, we have been bestowed with the ultimate purpose. As crazy as it sounds to hear a bereaved mother say this…
feel happiness, excitement, joy...ANY positive emotion, would bring me to the place I was longing to be. I bought We are tasked with showing the world the light of our since Ben died, I’ve never been more thankful. Not for the
without feeling guilty about feeling it. I wondered if it was her book, read her blog posts and watched all her videos. children’s souls by living the life that they cannot. We do things I have in my life, but for the people I still have in it.
even possible. She was speaking to me. She was inspiring. And then...she
was gone. The page closed, but the spark was ignited. this by illuminating their strength and effervescence, and It has awakened a gratitude in me that I never experienced
(continued on page 20)
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