Page 25 - 2016 Autumn-Winter Issue

happiness in every moment, the feeling that we are right
where we need to be.
FAITH: from “my will be done” to “thy will be done”
Three months after Hannah’s death, I stood by the side of
a road, prepared to take my own life. I was not afraid of
death; no matter what happens Hannah is already there. As information you have AT THAT TIME.” Of course, we
a truck approached, I suddenly became aware of my lungs would change things if we knew then what we know now.
breathing. I forgot about
the truck and focused There are no words to describe the space
on my breath. I realized
that something in me left absent when a child dies. The love you
is still choosing life. I feel has nowhere to go. The longer your
stayed alive to find out child is gone, the more you miss them.
why.
There are no words This missing becomes a part of you.
to describe the space
left absent when a
child dies. The love you feel has nowhere to go. The longer our gaze and allows us to appreciate new perspectives.
your child is gone, the more you miss them. This missing
becomes a part of you. In my grief, I began to explore
other religions and belief systems, hungry for validation
of life after death. The God I believe in now is not the God
that I grew up with. Though Christianity remains the first
language of my faith, I now see threads of truth connecting
many understandings. For me, God is a force of a thousand
names and one love. Hannah’s spirit lives on as part of
everything.
Strange comfort this holding of everything in one place. Yet
I see an intelligence beyond imagining which orchestrates
life and nature. While it is painful to accept Hannah’s
death, I also see her life making a difference in this world.
Someone once described the earth as the planet for slow-
learners. Faith trusts and breathes when it’s all we can do.
COMPASSION: from specialness to belonging
I do not know why Hannah died and other children didn’t.
At first, I felt a sense of specialness. No one could know the
depth of my pain. For a while, I didn’t want to speak with
anyone unless they had lost a child. Gradually, I began to
connect with other people.
Forgiveness is key throughout the journey of grief:
forgiveness of those who live and of those who die. As I
learn to forgive myself, I find it easier to forgive others.
Our intent in harnessing grief makes transformation
possible. ‘Grief ’ shares the same root as ‘grave’, ‘gravity’, and cancer, is being made into a full-length feature film and is translated in 16
‘gravitation’. It is a force with weight and heft. Once engaged,
it can be redirected.
When Hannah was first diagnosed, one of her doctors
gave us good advice. He said, “Remember, no matter
what happens, make the best decision you can with the
There is no solace in
blaming ourselves and
others for not knowing.
Although I sometimes
have less patience for
other people and their
problems, I see each of
us is a unique lens in
a shared experience.
Compassion softens
When we reach beyond our specialness, we realize we are
not alone.
WONDER: from needing to know to letting go
There was a house in our little town which was painted
pink from top to bottom. Hannah loved this house. In the
last year of her life, each time we passed it, she would say,
“That’s where I am going to live!”
A year and a half after Hannah’s death, my daughter
Madelaine was born. One day, when Madelaine was almost
three-years old, we were driving to the grocery store.
Suddenly Madelaine started shrieking from the back seat, I
turned to see what was happening and saw her pointing to
the pink house. “Mommy,” she exclaimed, “That’s the house
where Hannah and I played in heaven before I was born!”
I had no idea how she knew, and in that moment I didn’t
need to. Hannah’s death opened me to realms I never
knew existed. Having watched my Father and my daughter
take their last breaths, I remember a peaceful presence
entering the room. This energy called life is where I feel our
children’s presence is, and their spirits still make themselves
known.
Maria Housden is a lecturer and author of HANNAH’S GIFT: Lessons
From A Life Fully Lived (Bantam 2002) and Unraveled (Harmony Books
2005). She has been featured on the Today Show and Dr. Phil. Her first
book, HANNAH’S GIFT, the story of her daughter’s life and death from
languages. Email: mariahousden@gmail.com
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