Page 28 - 2017 Spring-Summer Issue

Dear Dr. Heidi, © Ryan Tang Photo LLC/fotolia.com

My sister died five years ago and it’s been very difficult on the entire family. I
don’t think my parents are aware of how hard it’s been for me. My Mom gets
annoyed because I don’t talk about the loss. To be honest, the reason I don’t
discuss it with her is because when I do she becomes more upset than I am.
My parents have pictures of my sister all over our house, and posts memories
and pictures of her constantly on Facebook. It bothers me that they have so few
posts about me; in fact, I think that most of their friends in TCF probably don’t
even know I exist. I often feel invisible and that hurts. Please don’t ask me to
talk with my parents about this; they would become very defensive and I would
just end up feeling even more unheard and alone.

Sincerely,
Forgotten Sibling

Dear Forgotten Sibling,
My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately, this is a common issue that many bereaved siblings face. I am sure that most of the
siblings reading this right now can relate to what you have written. Whenever I present, I remind parents that a sibling loss is
extremely difficult and remind them to remember their surviving children also. When giving a family toast, or sharing a story
during the holidays, it is important to include all family members, not just those who have died. It is also important to have
framed photos of your living children around the house, and post their pictures periodically on Facebook. Sometimes homes are
turned into shrines, where there is no place for surviving siblings to take a break from their grief. It can be very overwhelming,
especially when siblings are doing homework or studying for exams. Surviving siblings tell me that they enjoy looking at
pictures and hearing memories about their deceased sibling, as long as their parents don’t overdo it and they aren’t overlooked.
The more that we can give voice to the sibling experience, the more we will educate the world about the impact of a sibling
death. Even though we may not always look like we’re grieving, the wounds within us run deep. Our brothers and sisters were
an important part of our lives, and even though they are no longer with us, they remain forever in our memories and will
always be a significant part of our lives. I would also suggest that your parents listen to the Sibling Loss Webinars on the TCF
website and the Open to Hope Sibling Loss Shows, where they can get a better understanding of sibling grief and can hear first
hand from the siblings.

Dr. Heidi Horsley, PsyD, is a bereaved sibling as well as a psychologist. She is the executive director of the Open to Hope Foundation, cohost
of the Open to Hope radio program, www.opentohope.com, an adjunct professor at Columbia University, and a national board member of The
Compassionate Friends. She will be answering your questins related to loss, grief, and recovery for siblings.
Please send your question to: Dr. Heidi Horsley, c/o The Compassionate Friends, PO Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696.

How I Found Hope ...

I was lost, hurt, sad, angry, and hurting without my sons, I was so

alone, but attending TCF meetings has given me hope. It gave me

back my sons and it’s made me strong enough to help others. I might

have lost my two, but I have gained 100’s, all because of this wonderful

organization.

John R. Mitchell, TCF-Manhattan Chapter

2 8 |We Need Not Walk Alone