Page 27 - 2017 Spring-Summer Issue

put it behind us”. I struggled to bury my grief away, and then emotions of grief roiling beneath the surface is further
less than two years later my son was diagnosed with cancer. I fueled by the stress hormone cortisol to maintain this
had to fight the fight to save my son and put my sibling grief gallant behavior. Chivalry is an act of heroism, but long-
on hold for a long, long time; I was getting good at it. term healing does not come from bravado but from
resiliency, vulnerability, authenticity and an openness to
So many times the losses of children are marginalized. share. Nosce Te Ipsum (know yourself). Be yourself, not a
Whether they lose a parent or a sibling they are expected victim of circumstance. Listen not to the imposed mores of
to get over it quickly and encouraged to be strong. If under society but to the dictates of your own heart.
five years old, their grief is hardly addressed; after that
they are encouraged by society to move on. Many siblings Whatever your loss may be, there is no putting it behind
marginalize their own you. You coexist with
loss and bury their it. It is now part of the
emotions to be strong Express your pain, yield to your heart fabric of your destiny.
for mom and dad and and not to your head. If you are a sibling who
other siblings. We learn has experienced the
at an early age to hide death of your brother/
our feelings and/or sister at any age,
compensate for a family loss and make everyone happy. It recognize it, take it out of the closet; talk about the journey
may take years before we fully process our losses. We may with pride, not shame, bitterness or embarrassment. Express
still harbor resentment for having to put our life on hold your pain, yield to your heart and not to your head.
and being forced to grow up so fast.
Remember your parents are changed forever and may still
Conversely, we may enjoy the new family dynamics be falling apart inside, forgive them their shortcomings;
of having less sibling rivalry in our daily life. We may they are bereaved parents. Bring your sibling back to the
experience a positive personal transformation of personal dinner table; keep them in your life and in the conversation
growth and expanded horizons. We may benefit from the with your parents, sibs, and your friends. Dead is not gone
loss and now get the big bedroom, more attention and sit and we do not have to let go; we do not get over loss, we
in the front seat of the car. The caveat with this, although, is learn to live with it, it is part of us. Knowing that, not only
that we may experience guilt for feeling good, or benefitting can we survive, we can one day thrive.
from our sibling’s death in some way. To add insult to
injury, we may have experience anxiety with our own Find other bereaved siblings that are close to your own age
trepidation of not being able to fill our sibling’s shoes. Too and/or have similar losses that can validate your feelings
high of expectations of our own and from others can yield about what you are experiencing. Talk to older adults who
resentment, anger and fear. Be honest with family, be honest are seasoned bereaved siblings and enlist their advice. Leave
with yourself, and be honest with your expectations. Be chivalry to the knights in shining armor, process your loss
your authentic self. Use your strengths. Ask for help. without false bravado. Put chivalry to bed. It’s a bedtime
story. Strive to be vulnerable to all the ramifications of your
We have choices on our path to survival; chivalry may be loss. That is resiliency that is taking control of your life; that
one of them. is surviving; that is honoring your sibling with your life. Turn
your loss to legacy not, with chivalry but authenticity. Process
Chivalry: The combination of qualities expected of an ideal your grief openly without compunction through a lens of self
knight, especially courage, honor, justice, and a readiness to compassion. Be yourself. Be good to yourself. Be here now.
help the weak.
Although the word chivalry has fallen out of use in today’s Peace, love n light
vernacular, the mechanism by which it operates (false
Mitch Carmody (Kelly’s dad) GSP, CCP is a long time TCF presenter and

bravado) is still intact and often use as a coping skill. It’s author of Letters To My Son, turning loss to legacy. He is the creator of

not just a man thing either, but practiced by women and Proactive Grieving® seminars that features the S.T.A.I.R.S.™ model of grief

children as well. It’s not a bad thing, it can be a courageous processing. Mitch is the host of his own radio show “Grief Chat” and created
thing and it has its own merits; the knight in shining
the YouTube channel MrHeartlight which supports grievers around the

armor to save the day. Just be mindful when you are doing world. He uses an organic holistic approach in processing grief with a focus
it. Chivalry may appear noble and gallant on the outside, on balancing the mind, body, soul, and spirit to reduce anxiety and build

as in keeping the English stiff upper lip, but unexpressed resilience when challenged with trauma and loss.

We Need Not Walk Alone|2 7