Page 28 - 2016 Spring-Summer Issue

Dear Dr. Heidi,

My son died in a boating accident last year, he was very close to his sister, Sarah.
This loss has been devastating to me and my husband, but Sarah is acting like
she is not impacted. She spends a great deal of time with her friends, and
hardly ever cries in front of us. We are bothered that she isn’t more impacted by
her brother’s death.
Sincerely,
Confused Parent

Dear Confused Parent:
Trust me, Sarah is greatly impacted by her brother’s death, even though it may not
look like it. We become very good at hiding our grief, and crying in places where no
one will hear us. It is devastating to lose a sibling, someone who you thought you
were going to spend the rest of your life with. The death of a sibling is a difficult loss, it makes you feel different, and it’s a loss
that most of your friends can’t relate to. Before going to The Compassionate Friends, I had never met anyone who had lost a
sibling. Often bereaved siblings don’t grieve in front of their parents, because they don’t want to upset them, and they don’t
want their parents to see them as dependent. I hid much of my grief from my parents, because I was told to “be strong for my
parents.” As a parent, you can acknowledge the loss, letting your kids know how awful it must be to lose a sibling. Making
statements such as, “I’m here if you want to talk,” or “It must be very difficult for you” can be very validating for bereaved
siblings. Even if we don’t respond, we’ve heard what you’ve said and it means more to us then you will ever know!

Dr. Heidi Horsley, PsyD, is a bereaved sibling as well as a psychologist. She is the executive director of the Open to Hope Foundation, cohost
of the Open to Hope radio program, www.opentohope.com, an adjunct professor at Columbia University, and a national board member of The
Compassionate Friends. She will be answering your questions related to loss, grief, and recovery for siblings.
Please send your question to: Dr. Heidi Horsley, c/o The Compassionate Friends, PO Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696.

I found hope after meeting others going through the same nightmare dealing with the loss of their
sibling. They gave me the strength and courage to allow myself to be vulnerable, to accept that I did
not need to go through this journey alone. I found hope when I realized I could help someone else
simply by sharing what has worked for me. As well, I found hope by hearing what has worked for
others.

Keith Singer, Lori’s brother
Sibling Leader for TCF Staten Island Chapter

2 8 |We Need Not Walk Alone