Memorial Wall Post

Hi my beautiful Rosie. I miss you. I hate this day so much. This is the day your body couldn’t take it anymore and you left me. I couldn’t do anything to keep you here. I know I am being selfish but I want you here. I wanted you to stay. I didn’t want you to go. This is the day that I felt my life was over. My baby. How I miss you so much. It pretty much sucks knowing that you aren’t here. Kuya, your twin, and I visited you. And like always when I’m around others, I don’t cry. Not sure why. But I know when your bros went to the bathroom, I cried. Then I stopped when they came back. I didn’t feel rushed and talked with your twin as kuya went somewhere to be on his phone. That was okay because he always comes with me. I’m so glad that your twin came. He was able see what I do when I visit you. He saw/ heard me record some words. We were there for quite awhile but it didn’t feel long, longer than usual but not long. I hope you like the roses that Ms. D gave. They look good with the tulips from your dad. I get so tired mentally. Before I forget, I woke up trying to remember what your twin told me. He said ‘we’ll get through this’. I’m not sure to what degree he meant but from where I was at this time last you to where I am now, I feel okay. More okay than in pain. I still feel the heartache. I still feel the immense loss. I still feel the sadness of not being able to hug my daughter and see her smile and hear her laugh or swear. I still miss everything about you. In some ways I’m moving on but not really. It’s more like keeping my mind busy so that I don’t get too sad. I’m okay with that. At the mausoleum I showed you my latest crochet creations and brought out pics that I haven’t put out in awhile. Some pics make me think more about how I came to lose you. I wish you just stayed home. But then I see your face when in Sac. You lit up. And I have to be grateful for that. I should be grateful for that. It cost me you. I want to be mad but not today. When I ask your twin about stuff regarding you, I tend to get the I don’t know response. I take a breath then just continue despite my annoyance. You know, I hope you liked the star balloons, 7 stars- 3 blue, 3 gold and 1 pink. All to represent our family. I know you don’t like pink so that’s me and the gold one is yours. I wanted to get green but they were out. We released the balloons and I thought I was recording- not. I’m bummed about that. I do have some specs of balloon in the sky. the pink star and blue star that I released became tangled but flew alongside a gold one. the other blue one flew together. Your twin released first and then kuya and then me. I hope the stars reached you. We came home and I told your bro about the balloons and he literally sucked the good intention and turned it into something worrisome. I mean I participated in a balloon release with group with some sadness. Today when I released I was in better spirits, laughing and smiling and thinking I’m videotaping. Your bro as usual found some way to make me not feel good about it, questioning as if I did something wrong. He wasn’t even there. He hasn’t even seen you. But feels comfortable making my sad day which when I left felt in general okay to now making me feel doubtful in what I did for you or even me. He’s been doing that throughout and I’m pretty much sick of it. Maybe it’s best when he or others are not with me. I don’t tend to second guess myself. I am sad. Not so sad. And then sad again. And then okay. That’s a good routine for me. I was happy to receive kind words/thoughts from Tio E and from Cousin A. I don’t need any of the family to acknowledge the day- it’s an anniversary of the worst kind. But those that did- your twin by coming with me, your Kuya for coming too, and those I mentioned made it an okay day. I didn’t feel my usual sadness. I think it’s because I cried as I responded to something regarding survival siblings. That made me cry so maybe I got most of my tears out before I went to see you. I have loved writing to you on here. It’s been easier than writing in my journals. But after tonight, I will be writing to your email. Anything else about today? Your kuya made dinner- salisbury stakes, orange chicken, rice and smoothies. Didn’t hear from your bro down south- no surprise. Your bro that made me doubt, came over for dinner. I gave your twin and kuya a heart for today. Your other bro didn’t want it. I shouldn’t be surprised. Sometimes he acts like Tita L. All I can do is shake my head. I’m doing what my nanay would do. I kept busy so I wouldn’t fixate on the time, 737pm. I didn’t want to start remembering the details. I do but didn’t want to start thinking of every bit. I don’t want to imagine what you are doing and where you are because I will forever want you here with me. And I know that won’t happen. I’ll never be okay with that but I will do what I can most days to find some blip of happy when I think you. Help me be present for your brothers and for bubby. If I could, I would just want to sleep. Maybe I will complete your list or at least some of it. I don’t know who needs me the most but bubby talks to me the most. I love, love, love you. Hugs and kisses. Always and forever- Mom, mama, mommy. I will see you on Saturday.

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