Memorial Wall Post

Hi my beautiful Rosie. I miss you, I’m back home. I fell asleep. I keep wondering why I talk to your bro when i know he will say something to back up the other side. I shouldn’t be surprised as that is his pattern. Not mad about it, more annoyed. Enough of that. I am trying to plan the rest of the days. I will see you on the worst day of both our lives and instead of Sat, I will see you Sunday- on Easter. Don’t care for that holiday. It is a reminder of family stealing what my mom left me. I wish you were here. I would complain and say mean things. I would hear your complaints when you are made to go to church. I didn’t work on the letter like I should have. I am tired. I cleaned up a bit so it’s good I’m starting a pattern of when I am home. Bubby of course is happy to see me. I miss him so much. My right shoulder is still hurting. Please stop with that. I don’t need to be reminded of the pain you felt. I’d rather you come in my dreams. I’d rather you be here with me. I want to know how to go on. I think attending the zoom call didn’t help me understand but verified that kids could be selfish when it comes to the worst moment of a parent’s life. Maybe because with what the siblings said on the zoom is almost and I mean almost sadder than losing a child. I know what I’ve done with your brothers. I know what I’ve done to not pressure your brothers and I know what I would hope to have from your brothers. I don’t think that’s wrong. I have to remember, it’s their experience. However, I didn’t get a good vibe, not because they said things that I’m shocked to hear but because it almost sounds like a blame toward parents. My goodness. Parents are people too. They grieve, their reactions shouldn’t be looked at like they did something wrong if they cry to their children etc. Is there any one way to react to grief no matter if you are a sibling or parent? No, definitely not. It isn’t the same. My goodness, I think again it seems like the siblings on this zoom were saying it’s about me- meaning them. I don’t want to listen to my parents cry because it’s about only my feelings. So essentially, the parents, in the wake of losing their child should wallow silently in their grief? That’s what I got out of this zoom. Maybe it’s good that I don’t encourage this group. They may convince my kids that whatever I ask or do etc is not a good thing. There’s my gripe. I will always miss and grieve for you Rosie. I will never trust doctors or hospitals again. I want to find a way to not cry all the time. I want to get this darn house better. I will start working on your room on Monday, maybe Tuesday. Anyways, I love, love, love you. Hugs and kisses. Always and forever- Mom, mama, mommy.

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