Each person’s experience and expression of grief is as unique as their relationship with the person who died. Within families and closely connected communities, this can sometimes present challenges when others’ grief experiences are different from ours. Add to this, shared, societal “myths” about the duration and intensity of grief, and many can feel isolated and lack a sense of validation. For this reason, recognizing the different ways people may experience, and express grief is important to ensure compassionate and understanding for bereaved individuals.
Grief Specialists, Ken Doka and Terry Martin, offer a model for understanding different styles of grieving in their book, Grieving Beyond Gender: Understanding Diverse Grieving Syles. They posit that a better understanding of a person’s grief style can avoid misguided assumptions and misinformation that can create conflict among families, friends, and communities impacted by profound loss. Their model presents three primary types of grieving styles, intuitive, instrumental, and blended.
According to Doka and Martin, intuitive grievers feelings or emotions of grief are processed verbally, or are outwardly expressed, mirroring internal feelings (crying, angry outbursts, etc.). Instrumental grievers, on the other hand, process their grief cognitively or behaviorally through tasks or doing. Some individuals find themselves somewhere between these two styles of grieving and operate with a blended approach that encompasses both styles. No one style of grieving is superior to any of the others. They are simply different ways of experiencing and expressing grief.
Recognizing that others do not have to grieve in the same way as us provides a foundation for how we can come together with others, offer support, and receive understanding in return. The Compassionate Friends peer support model works best when we make space for each person to grieve in the way that is most natural to them. We offer a variety of opportunities to make these connections, whether online with our private Facebook groups, live chats, virtual support group meetings, or in-person chapter meetings, support groups, or conferences. Come as you are; grieve in your own way.
Within our families, acknowledging differences and allowing others to grieve in their own unique way, creates a more understanding, supportive environment. Rather than trying to fix others, or get them to respond as we do, listening with our heart, and walking with one another with understanding and patience will lead to stronger relationships. These relationships can help to sustain us during our most desperate moments when we need to know that we are not alone.
For more information on understanding different grieving styles, click HERE to view Andy McNiel’s recent webinar, Understanding Others in My Family: The Different Ways We Cope and Grieve.
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I have been feeling guilty that when I got the phone call from my ex that our 25 year old son was dead I didn’t act as I’ve seen so many other people act. I didn’t scream or cry a bunch or moan with that deep awful guttural sound that comes from within that you have no control over. My other son and my husband and I listened on speakerphone to the details of what happened. We cried a little and called the person closest to me, my sister, to let her know. It was the middle of the night. There wasn’t much said then and we all went to our bedrooms. My husband held me as I cried myself to sleep.
Now that I have read this article I understand that my reaction was my very own. It wasn’t a bad one. It certainly wasn’t indicative of how I reacted as time went on. I forgive myself now. Thank you.
Every one is different..I was out of my mind with it all. Now I see it was my reaction and shock, have more to let go of the need to isolate is also there.