While most others love summer for its daytime pleasures, such as beach time, golf, picnics and other family outings, personally, I like it at night… on my deck after most others have long gone to bed. I gaze at the silhouettes of the trees against a cloudless sky, with a sliver of moon and glistening stars as a backdrop, and watch the fireflies dance and illuminate the blackness. My senses are heightened as I listen to the tinkle of the wind chimes in the evening breeze, the gentle hum of the overworked air conditioner after a blistering hot day, the hypnotic chorus of crickets, and the mournful wail of a train whistle off in the distance.
There is nothing like fireworks on the 4th of July (or any summer night, for that matter). Despite the noise, something about the “rockets red glare” makes me smile; brings back memories of more innocent times, not only my own childhood 4ths, but my own children at the yearly fireworks displays; the ooohs and aaahs as their eyes lit up at the beautiful sights…in those years long past, when we were a whole family altogether…long before we were…not.
There was a period of time in my life that I felt no pleasure in anything…and never thought I would ever find anything to give me peace ever again. However, the stillness of the evenings now, more often than not, bring a sense of calm and peace to the end of an often-hectic day. As a bereaved mom in the earlier years of my grief journey, I felt more serene in the dark of the night where the realities of life then felt less harsh and glaring. Though sometimes through my tears, depending on the moment, I’d lie on my back and peer into the heavens and attempt to fathom the enormity of the universe – wondering what lies beyond the celestial bodies. And I’d think about Nina… if, in her new life, she now had an up close and personal view of Saturn’s rings. Or was she here beside me one minute with the ability in the next to be perched in the “W” of Cassiopeia, her favorite constellation? Had my precious teenage daughter been to the top of the Eiffel Tower, looking down on Paris as she had dreamed to do one day? Or was my police officer son, Chris, still guarding over the city he patrolled and still watching over it now from a whole different dimension.
I like to believe that they both have and still do. and the tranquility of a summer night gives my body rest, and my mind the opportunity to ponder the wonder of it all and let hopeful thoughts enter in and push aside some of the darker ones.
I hope you give yourself the gift of a peaceful summer night – and that you are able to eventually search for and then – in your own time – find comforting and love-filled memories in the experience.
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Inner peace that is what i grieve for me. Im only on my journey since march 27 2019. My son Richard 43 died if cancer. I worked most of my life toward this goal peace. Thinking i had chested life somehow after being so grateful in those moments in my life. I keep saying if at some point i can come to some resembles of this i would be grateful and acept life is a gift and nothing should be yaken for granted. If ay some point i really could hold still my pain just for a moment to feel inner peace. I guess i will have to go thru accepting and im not any where near there. But thank you for offering me hope. Our angels would want tjis for us. God bless and enjoy your still of the night.
Just lovely my friend! I love the memory of John & I taking Kellie & Mitchell to Central Park in Roseville. We would eat like pigs and then lay on a blanket together and be mystified at the fireworks. Thanks for waking up that memory for me. Love You my Friend!
Wow!! Such a touching and heartfelt piece…I’ll keep it handy to re-read time and again when I need to be reminded of the special time I can have with my Angel Son, ADAM, if I just give in to taking in the world around me…..and it’s free…..a free gift from God……every Summer, Spring, Fall or Winter night…..
Thank you Cathy……my broken heart reaches out to your broken heart….
My only child, my precious son Kyle committed suicide June 4, 2019. He leaves behind a eight year old daughter( she is his mini me, who now lives several states away. She just went home to her mothers a week ago. I keep encouraging her mother to get her into counseling and a children’s grief support group in MO.. Now we are faced with our own overwhelming loneliness and longing for our son. This sorrow is like no other loss. I am looking to find a group in my area of Michigan that meets if it helps. Thank you for posting
Dear Patty, I am so sorry for the sad loss of your son so very recently. I too lost a son to suicide seven years ago on June 2nd and my heart truly goes out to you. If you give me your zip code I would gladly look to see if there is a chapter meeting in your area. There are many good chapters in Michigan, some very wonderful friends go to some of those chapters. When my daughter died 24 years ago, I began going to a Compassionate Friends meeting in St. Paul one month after her death. I believe that meeting others who also lost a child and connecting with them and finding hope again was the reason I am still upright. Please let me know your zip code and I hope to find a chapter for you too. In compassionate friendship, Cathy