I vividly remember New Year’s Eve, December 31, 1994…
My 15-year-old daughter Nina loved any opportunity for a celebration. She invited a couple of her high school friends over, planned games, tried some new recipes, and bought her customary bottle of sparkling apple cider to drink out of plastic champagne glasses. Nina rivaled hostess/TV personality Martha Stewart when it came to her enthusiasm for entertaining! Her friends stayed overnight and their joyful laughter could be heard well into the wee hours of the morning. Fortunately, I have such a sweet memory of what turned out to be the last New Year’s Eve with our Nina. Tragically, she was killed by a drunk driver in May of 1995 at the young age of 15 years old while on our family vacation in Orlando and our lives would never be the same.
Because of those unthinkable “lasts”, we are faced with the “firsts”. With only two days left of the year 2000, I was tempted to write about New Year’s resolutions. However, since I make my resolutions on the 1st and notoriously break them by the 2nd, my credibility is definitely in question! But since Monday will be January 1st it seemed like a good time to mention what for many of you will be the beginning of those difficult “Firsts.” – the first holidays, first birthday, first angel day, the first family vacation, and so on and so on without your beloved child, brother or sister, or grandchild. Unfortunately, this is an area that I am qualified to write about; I have experienced all of these so-called “firsts” after Nina’s death.
Those who are newly bereaved face the new calendar with apprehension because of those “Firsts.” Whether there is a major holiday in that month or not, each one brings its own emotional challenges. For those whose children sadly died before they had memories of what their child had done the year before, the calendar speaks to them of shattered dreams and hopes that died along with their child. For the rest of us, it is the bittersweet recollections of years’ past. February brings memories of hand-made Valentines with childlike scribbles of “I love you, Mommy & Daddy.” Maybe March brought attempts at kite flying and April coloring Easter eggs; May and June with Mother’s and Father’s Day and the stab of pain in your heart that your child is not here to celebrate such important days with you; Fourth of July celebrations and summer vacations, school clothes shopping, the excitement of meeting new teachers and new friends. In October, carving pumpkins and trying to decide what costume to wear trick or treating. And then right back to those most painful of months where in a short time span we are thrust into family-centered, Norman Rockwell-like celebrations of Thanksgiving and Christmas or Hanukah where our loved ones no longer here are so conspicuously absent. When we enter in our child’s birthday and the anniversary of their death it is frankly overwhelming. It is no wonder that in our sharing circle at TCF meetings we hear the same words spoken over and over again: “This has been a very hard month.”
I cannot imagine facing these “Firsts” without the support of my bereaved parent friends. I think of even a few decades ago when there weren’t any groups like TCF to support those whose children, sibliings or grandchildren had died. Those unfortunate parents were only allowed the time of the funeral to grieve. Then the expectation was, especially if they had other children, to get on with their life for those surviving family members. They buried their child and many times because they weren’t allowed to, never spoke of them again, as if they had never existed. They didn’t have other bereaved parents to walk the grief path alongside of them and to validate that what they were feeling was “normal”…for us, anyway. They didn’t have another mom or dad, brother or sister, grandpa or grandma who had been down that same path to tell them that though the “Firsts” are difficult, most often the anticipation of the day is worse than the day itself. They didn’t have those seasoned grievers to assure them that they too would rediscover the ability to laugh, find joy and reasons to live again, when they were ready.
Though it is unrealistic to think that the holidays and any of the other special occasions or events will ever be the same again, I, and so many others who have been on this most difficult of journeys are here to tell you that they do gradually become gentler. Undoubtedly, the holidays will always be tinged with sadness. But we, who have made it past the “Firsts” and the “Seconds” and beyond, are here to tell you that you will get through it. And your friends at TCF will be there. Please always remember- you are not alone.
~ written January 2000
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