An excerpt from the book, Natalia’s Endless Love…A Love to Live For:
The winds forever blow. Sometimes they catch us off guard, and other times serve as a gentle reminder. For there are forces that exist, far greater than our own being. It’s evident when a stiff winter wind can bring on heightened preparedness and yet a gentle summer breeze, simply a warming reassurance. Our lives are filled with these day-to-day shifts, ebbs and flows, push and pulls. Through these, we experience times where we tend to brace ourselves and rely on our instincts to guide us, and others where we wait and watch, letting things pass. And when the wind finally seems to settle, and the coolness fades, the sun is always there, sometimes in plain sight or sometimes hidden amongst the backdrop of a cloud-filled sky.
That’s the reality of life. We never know what is to come. And thus, we don’t know what is to follow. So, we tend to hold our breaths, with some of us emerging unscathed, while others struggle with another day’s fight. Our intentions are to be self-sufficient and resilient, but there are life circumstances that occur in which we are not inclined to be – particularly with the loss of a loved one.
Oftentimes, there are no prevailing winds to alert us, and even if so, knowing would not make us any more resilient. Still, we are brought wearily to our knees and chilled to our core. Goosebumps appear as we wait. And we wait. We wait for comfort – the comfort of a warm, familiar sun. We long for that gleaming smile and the softness of a touch. But the return of a familiar sun doesn’t always occur, leading to disappointment and despair. Time passes, and when we finally realize the sun, we’re inclined to turn away in disappointment and not accept its’ glory. Meanwhile, we try to assemble the broken pieces of our hearts, for a crucial piece is missing. Nothing fits right or even feels right. We come to realize, struggle after struggle and tear after tear, it will never happen again.
We become hardened and critical of ourselves, playing the game of “what ifs,” placing blame. We choose not to face anyone or anything. We tune out all the color and sound. Things that once brought comfort are now bitter reminders, and all we want is to be left alone with our sorrow in darkness. And with the passing of time, if a glimmer of a happy thought occurs, we feel guilty, and prefer not to let anyone witness us in those moments.
Meanwhile, the world continues to spin, a merry-go-round of sorts, as we try to find our seat back on that horse we used to ride. But nothing looks familiar. We search for answers outside ourselves but never discover the answers we are looking for. We continue to search, but they never come. They never come because they’re not where we left them, and especially, not the answers we desire.
Rather cruel it is, but time is truly the culprit. Time forces us to move, even though we resist. Time makes us forget, starting with trivial things. Time is a thief. Little by little, those things you thought you’d never forget – visions, sounds, begin to turn foggy, much like losing the grip of an outstretched hand. You try to readjust your grip, but there’s no way to hold on. And in the end, you hit rock bottom and you’re at the bottom of that waterless, dark well with nowhere to go. You search in the direction of the light, and when you finally make the choice to climb, there are no directions nor stairs. It’s all on you to find the way, “your” way, and all on you to decide your path.
And when you finally decide to make your move, a makeshift ladder of sorts appears out of the darkness. You ascend toward the light and simply hold onto the two things that you still have, your memories and that breathing moment that you are in. And when you climb and finally reach the top, there is the sun shining brightly, awaiting you.
Choosing to receive the sun is paramount. For every living being originates and grows from the consistency and warmth it provides. The sun spotlights life’s darkest corners and flows back to our origins. Yet, as deciders of our own destiny, we have the choice. We have the choice to receive that light and accept its’ immediate warmth and comfort. We have the choice to maintain that light within us as a continual burning ember. We have the choice to illuminate that glow, radiating much like a lighthouse, illuminating those around us. By being a light source, we convert all the sufferings, joys, victories, back into that force, that funnel-shaped whirlwind we call “love”.
Although grief continues, it takes on a new form. For grief is the price we pay for love. It’s the continuation of love we no longer can express. Grief never ends because love never ends. Mathematically speaking, one might say, the magnitude of grief is directly proportional to the depth of our love. For that reason, no one other than our own selves can comprehend the depths of our unique, unbounded love, nor our grief.
It’s been years, yet it feels like yesterday. Some days are pleasant with gentle breezes, reminders of wonderful memories. Other times, stiff winds prevail with no warning. I’ve learned to brace myself somewhat, for those unexpected gusts, those remnants of a life that were once part of everyday- a song, a smell, or a glance. Quirky little things that bring laughter or stop you in your tracks, those truly ‘’special things”’ that make us all human, yet vulnerable. Even though the anniversaries and holidays are engrained deep in our core, it’s those” little” things that illuminate our hearts. It’s those little things that brighten up all the empty soulful spaces and sniff out all the whispering quietness. And like a swoosh of cool steel-filled wind, return in a flash. Longing wishfully for those moment hurt the most. For it is that breathless ache, that imprint on your soul, that becomes your “own” distinct fingerprint of love.
I had that immeasurable love for Natalia. Her presence exuded an essence of an inherent inner light which radiated pure love. As I continue to open my heart and receive the sun, I am bequeathed with that purposeful love from her in my every day. By choosing to maintain and reflect the sun’s canopy of golden light within me, despite the deterring winds, it has led me to a continuum of endless love, Natalia’s love. Although some of us find ourselves in the midst of such windstorms, know that the winds do become less daunting. We learn with time and faith how to hold on. And beyond those clouds, the sun is always there. When we embrace it and accept it as part of ourselves, that prism makes the world a shimmering array of color and love for all to see. And with that radiating, far-reaching light, we can shine on others in all corners of the world. For there is calm, there is warmth, and there is hope.
Use the chapter locator to find out information about chapters in your area. Locate a Chapter by selecting your state and zip code.
