I lost my child at the young age of 34. The loss of a child is like no other. Unfortunately, it is a loss that is often misunderstood by many. Here is what I’ve learned within two years of grief, trekking through the unimaginable. I believe most bereaved mothers and fathers will experience many of these feelings.
Remembering the Initial Shock
You will never forget the finite details of the day you learned of your child’s death. The sequence of events is etched permanently in your mind. You will remember where you were, the time of day, and the following trauma. There is no way around it. Years may pass by, and you will still remember that horrible day. You will remember the trembling, the loss of control, and the long-term sadness. It has become a part of your history and part of your soul.
Only 5 Minutes
Remembering that day, you may also experience the strongest desire to have five more minutes with your child. You will have this longing and heartbreaking wish to see your child again to tell them how much you love them and how proud you are as a caring and compassionate mother or father. The ache in your heart stays with you with these thoughts. You think of everything you want to express, enjoy one more hug, and hear your child’s voice. Being unable to see, touch, or hear your deceased child is agonizing. A bereaved parent would give up anything to have that five minutes with their child just one more time.
Learning the Total Value of Appreciating Blessings
My priorities changed. Many things that were important to me no longer are. Material things do not matter. You begin to feel more sorrow than ever for less fortunate people. You want to help in many ways. You begin to see beauty in things you never noticed, “Take it all in,” and appreciate the simplest things in life. When you lose your child, your world changes; counting my blessings helped me move forward when it seemed impossible to survive the day. If you focus on all the blessings in your life, you realize you are fortunate in many ways. When you pick up the pieces from losing your child, you can get past the uncontrollable emotions and feel alive again with your child’s shadow on your shoulders.
Greater Compassion for Others
You learn more about unspeakable compassion and giving when presented with deep sorrow. Though you will grieve your loved one’s death forever and then some, it does not mean your life will lack happiness and joy. Quite the contrary—after I survived acute grief, and it took me a long time to get there, I now live from a deeper place. As a result, my attempts to care are more profound and effortless. Grief enhances your senses and awareness of many things. You learn to cherish those times when there are small amounts of joy. You claw your way from the depths of unimaginable pain, suffering, and sorrow, again and again– when the joy comes, however– it is a joy to embrace. When a gift or an act of kindness came my way, I became emotional and thankful because there is nothing – and I mean absolutely nothing – I take for granted now. Living life in this way will give you peace.
You will Grieve for a Lifetime, but LOVE Never Dies
There is no “moving on” or “getting over it.” You have to manage it and work through the pain. There is no bow, fix, or solution to this heartache. You do not know how long you will grieve. There is no glue for your broken heart, no medicine for the pain, and no going back in time. You ache as you breathe and love your child with all your heart and soul. The bereaved parent wishes that people could understand that grief lasts forever because love endures forever; the loss of a child is not one finite event; it is a continuous loss that unfolds minute by minute throughout a lifetime. A bereaved parent will miss every birthday, holiday, milestone, and life’s success to be shared. Some weddings will never be; a mother and father’s pride and excitement seeing their child grow and flourish are gone – an entire generation of people are irrevocably altered. Missing the future is why grief lasts forever. The ripple effect lasts forever. The bleeding only slows but never stops. You move forward with an injured heart.
The Light Brightens; You Survive and Flourish
You become a new person. You realize that you can survive anything. Big things that used to cause significant stress now become small things. Small things that used to irritate you become nonexistent. Everything has changed. You carry your love for your child everywhere. You feel bonded and realize that your child would want you to live joyfully even though your child is no longer with you. The aching pain in your chest, high anxiety, and uncontrollable emotions subside, and you feel you have made it. You made it through, and now you start living each day like it may be your last—no more judging, anger, or worries about what people may think of you. You now move forward with more resolve, strength, and compassion than you imagined. Yes, if you are a bereaved parent, you can make it when you never thought you could. We are all unique now, and you move forward with pride and compassion for others.
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Hello Ronald. What you wrote is all so true and it coming up to the 19th anniversary without my daughter. How I got through those years amazes me.
Somehow you just carry on and along the way uunfortunately friends disappear. They cant understand or even try to imagine what us bereaved parents are going through. They gossip and judge and talk behind your back. “shouldnt she be over it by now ” shes changed,not the same person”
“dosent god help you” (im atheist!) “dont go on about it!”
“She often looks so sad” I know all these comments +worse have been said about me. Well good riddance to those so called friends +their comments.
Lets hope they never understand as that means they have also become a bereaved parent. It dosent get easier,just easier to put on a brave face each day.
Its not all doom,ive had good times but my childs death is still always on my mind ,even when I look happy. Soon she will have been dead longer than been alive as she was only age 19 at death.
I lost my son, Stephen, five years ago. He was twenty-nine years old. That same year I lost my brother-in-law and my dad! And, there was COVID! I was being strong for everyone else! I still grieved but I don’t think I did so fully until a couple years later! Stephen was very empathetic and he taught me that, even after his death. I have found that being a part of a TCF FB group, and the Moderator, has helped me with my grief while helping others with theirs! It would have been so easy to have stayed in bed, with the covers over my head, wallowing in my sorrow! While I did do that a few times, I came to the realization that it wasn’t going to bring Stephen back! Nor would it be what Stephen would want me to do! He talked to me often about wanting us to live our lives after he was gone! He didn’t want us to cry! I told him to forget that one! I have my faith which helps me get through each day. I know that I will see him again one day. I will always grieve for Stephen because of my immense love for him and his for me! I have learned how to look for positives and new purposes! That has helped, as has being a part of TCF with others who understand and get it!
I stood beside my daughter, helpless as a baby, who’s life held in the balance, she went on to experience three cardiac arrests, while the outlook was dim, so much so, I even asked if they could do a heart lung transplant. But she eventually made it to cardiac surgery and God gave us nearly 28 wonderful years, this in itself was a miracle. Having Down syndrome, visual impairment and a significant cardiac issue, she walked to keep fit; to hold off need for further heart surgery. As she walked, evil crossed her path that fateful day. Tortured over two hours, raped and murdered.
A workplace that told me I was lucky they’d given me two weeks rather than the normal three days bereavement leave. Work needed a ‘whakanoa’ to bless the site whilst ensuring evil spirits didnt come with me back into the workplace (in tears, I refused, but allowed instead a simple karakia (prayer). There has been so much more additional trauma through work and systems in general. No goodbyes, she died alone, aside from her killer, only able to be identified from a photo due to the horrific nature of the crime and resultant injuries.
Only 10 people total were allowed at her funeral due to COVID, six of us having to be pallbearers, I had to decide which family would attend in person. It was four years on Monday and I still have occasional nightmares. Yet, I stand firm in my faith, through adversity I have a greater appreciation for what Jesus endured for us and what forgiveness looks like. He knows the kind of suffering Lena endured, I don’t know the why’s but I know he remains sovereign, with unchanging love. I know she is home with Jesus. My tears still often flow as I travel through storms, but I know he will never leave or foresakes me, nor did he foresake Lena. Evil took her life, but it couldn’t keep her in hell where she was taken. She is God’s child. Whilst always child-like, she loved the responsibility as an adult, embracing life with confidence and joy. It was COVID lockdown in September 2021. Excited that the covid level was changing that day from four to three, although it didn’t change the lockdown status.
It is hard walking this journey without my girl, but I don’t do it alone, for God is my strength, in him I trust. He promises to turn ALL things for good for those who love him and are called to his purpose, and I know in that sense her death won’t have been in vain.
Loving Lena with faith f27 ✏️💖✝️🌈
I lost my son to cancer three years ago. He was a diplomat living in Brussels with his wife and two teenage sons. He came home on vacation and died after only a month. He was 42.
There is so much that comes in addition to our loss when a child, who is married and has children, dies. We have had to step up for his sons. We try to be there for his wife, but she rejects us. One son was in so much pain, he had to quit college and come to live with us. I am glad to report, he is doing better.
I have changed. I think it is hard to be with people and small talk. I put on a happy face when I have to go out in public. And love never dies. I was so proud of him. He was such a kind man. A good son and father and husband.
I wish I had died instead of him. I am old and sometimes tired of living. But I try to go on. I have started a grief support group at our local assisted living facility. It feels good to help people who is also growing through grief. Telling the stories of our grief help us.