It was November 13, 1988, when I experienced the most horrific, unthinkable and unimaginable event that changed my life forever. My son Michael, at age 16, died violently in an automobile accident. I’m sharing this with you because being a bereaved parent for 27 years and working as a licensed counselor, I have been in a position to assist individuals and families with their healing process. There are many ways to heal from our losses and this article is about what I know to be one of the most positive ways we can help ourselves live and move through our healing process.
How do we heal from losses? After the shock and denial of what just happened, there are very clear ways that we have learned through the work and research of leaders in the field, such as Elizabeth Kubler Ross, on how to understand the process of grieving and healing. Once we understand that healing is a process, we begin to understand that this journey of loss and healing is part of the human experience on planet Earth. It is impossible to live our life without loss, pain, and suffering. I wish it could be otherwise, but it just is not.
If we are to heal from our losses, two distinct processes must occur. The first is the mourning process, grieving through the stages of loss which include: shock and denial, bargaining, withdrawal, depression, guilt, anger and finally acceptance. The mourning process is a feeling process. A willingness to feel and live through these emotions is how we begin. The second process is action. How and what do we do to survive and go on with our life? Though these are two distinct processes (feeling and action) depending on the individual and the significance of the loss, they can dovetail and occur simultaneously. The intensity of the process is directly related to the significance of our loss. Healing is unique to each individual and there is no time frame that will assure that we’ve completed these processes. We live in a culture that for the most part does not honor these processes. Often when we experience a loss, people who we thought would support us, suggest to us to just get over it and go on with our lives. This does not honor the healing process and if we do not embrace and work through the healing process, our next loss will reopen the wounds of the loss that was not healed.
What is available to us to work through the healing process? For some people, it is reading every book they can find that can help them understand what’s happening. For others, it may be working with a grief counselor. And, for many, participating in a support group helps the most.
Now after over 40 years of studying human behavior, counseling individuals with personal problems and challenges, and assisting individuals in their personal growth and development, it is my opinion that support groups are pivotal, significant and essential for healing from life’s losses. Fortunately, there are support groups available to assist individuals, families, and groups with every and any challenge they may be experiencing. Support groups are successful if they are focused on healing from loss. They are not successful if the individuals participating do not understand and embrace the mourning (feeling) and healing (action) processes.
When Michael died, I didn’t know that there was an organization that had a support group available to me called The Compassionate Friends. This organization at that time was in existence for nearly 20 years, but I didn’t know. In my work, I knew the value of support groups and had directed many people to them. Had I known there was an organization that would support me through friendship, understanding, and hope after Michael died, I am certain that my feelings of isolation, loneliness, and abandonment would not have been as intense.
As I look back at my experience in dealing with Michael’s death, I am certain that there are countless people that are going it alone after the death of their child, grandchild, or sibling. It doesn’t have to be that way. Every opportunity that I have when meeting new people, I will ask them if they know about The Compassionate Friends. I’m still amazed that the majority of times they’ve never heard of our organization. I would never have chosen to be part of this organization because the price of membership is horrific. Having said that, if you or anyone you know or love has experienced the death of the child, I encourage you to explore what The Compassionate Friends have to offer and if you haven’t experienced this loss, be a friend and take someone you care about, someone you love, that has experienced the loss of a child, grandchild, sibling to a Compassionate Friends support group meeting. Know that after our loss, the sooner we connect with people who have been there, who have walked in our shoes, the sooner the healing can begin.
The Compassionate Friends–this organization, its leaders, its members- -understand and implement the healing process through a support system of over 650 chapters worldwide. Embracing the mourning (feeling) process happens through monthly meetings, regional and national conferences, publications and online closed Facebook support groups. Embracing the healing (action) process is forming friendships and bonds with people who understand your loss and will be there for you 24/7, participating in events that honor and remember your child, grandchild, sibling through the Annual Candlelight Service, Memorial Walk, and Butterfly Release.
No loss in life will ever compare to the loss of a child. Nothing will ever be the same after your child has died, but you can heal if you have the courage to live through the mourning process and have the willingness to embrace the healing process. Honor the process of mourning, of healing. Know that our children (with their awareness now) love us unconditionally and want us to honor them by enjoying the rest of our experience on planet Earth until we reunite with them.
Use the chapter locator to find out information about chapters in your area. Locate a Chapter by selecting your state and zip code.
