When my son died, hidden places within me began to reveal themselves. It was as though chambers of secret rooms, that had long housed unhealthy ideologies, protective attitudes, negative beliefs, and a lifetime of acquired heartache began to want out.
I was overwhelmed with emotion and there was nowhere for the feelings to go anymore. Those rooms were dark, obscure, and full to capacity. When the fracture began, it didn’t take too long for a full shattering to occur. It exposed everything that had been concealed and it demolished the me that I knew.
A cloud of confusion and despair surrounded every facet of my life. I felt so exposed. I was overwhelmed to the point of utter despair. I also learned that rock bottom has a basement, and it is deep.
MY grief was in control. It was running rampant within and without. It was difficult to accept…but I had to face the anguish. I realized that I had work to do if I wanted control of my life again.
As I was contemplating what I needed to do, I had a monumental epiphany. Before my essence could begin to heal, I had to find a place for the grief. That realization helped me discover that grief is multifaceted. It had attached itself to every part of my life.
The task seemed insurmountable. I also knew if I was going to survive and truly live again, I had no choice but to find strength to combat the grief.
As it subsided and I could see a bit better, I have come to understand that grief is a teacher. It is very personal. Grief is a mirror. It is also a connection to my son. It is chaotic and messy. And ironically, it holds truth. Grief is sharp and painful and exposes the places within us that we need to heal and forgive ourselves for.
Most importantly, I have learned grief IS controllable. With time, understanding, patience and the truth, I made a place…a seat at the table, if you will, for my grief.
Within me I have discovered the power to move forward, despite this unimaginable task I have been given. As I move through the process of finding a new way to live, I am also discovering that grief has become a part of how I love my child, despite his physical absence. On the other side of my grief is love and that love helps me connect to precious memories. On the other side of my grief new bonds of friendship have been formed…with souls I would have never encountered, and old ones have been strengthened and been a great blessing. On the other side of my grief, I have found perspective…I have discovered a boundless reservoir of strength…I see the true beauty of life because I have seen the depths of utter despair…
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