Over the years, I have had many deep, thoughtful conversations with people about how we have grown through experiences of profound loss. Most of these exchanges have been somewhat difficult. That one has experienced personal growth out of tragedy can be a challenging thing to reveal. Afterall, our beloved person’s death would never be justified by the fact that we might have experienced some measure of growth. At the same time, many of us have experienced a change in perspective, attitude, or ability that can only be characterized as personal growth. At the same time, growing as a person does not take away our grief, but it can help support us along our way. So, what do we know about this experience and how can we lean into it as we are grieving?
This is a phenomenon that has been a topic of books, articles, and of interest to researchers for some time. Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG) research, developed by psychologists Richard Tedeschi, PhD, and Lawrence Calhoun, PhD, in the mid-1990s, provides a context to understanding the ways in which trauma, including profound loss, can result in growth. Their research categorizes these experiences into five key domains: 1) Appreciation of Life, 2) Relationship with Others, 3) Personal Growth, 4) Spiritual Change, and 5) New Possibilities in Life. Their research supports the notion that while personal growth is possible after profound loss, growth is not necessarily an inevitable biproduct of the experience.
Change after profound loss, however, is inevitable and to be expected. Grief after profound loss is a life-altering, transformational experience. There is a distinct difference between what our lives once were and what they are now. We do not go back to the way life was before, we land in a different place. Grief changes us in many ways, including how we understand the world, relationships, our priorities, the things we care about, and our sense purpose and meaning, to name a few. So, change is an inevitable biproduct of profound loss, growth is not. Growth is an outcome of personal agency and the choices we make amid the transformative experience of grief.
PTG research has shown that growth out of tragedy is connected to our personal choices related to our mindset, self-care practices, and coping strategies. These choices may look different at different moments in our grief. Often, early in our grief, all we can do is to feel the pain of our loss, breathe, and hang on. There is not a step-by-step manual on how to carry our grief and practice self-care and coping at the same time. It is, most often, a messy, painful, hard-fought, personal experience.
To be clear, the grief we experience over the death of our loved ones is not a choice, it is not a problem that we solve, or a temporary condition we get over, it is an experience we live and carry. Growth, in any form, does not replace our pain. As Dr. Joanne Caciatorre, a bereaved mother, researcher, author, and trainer, writes, “Grief is not a medical disorder to be cured. Grief is not a spiritual crisis to be resolved. Grief is not a social woe to be addressed. Grief is, simply, a matter of the heart – to be felt.” Growth after profound loss does not take away grief. Growth and grief co-exist in our lives.
Growth, however, can help us to have the strength to carry our grief, to reinvest in life, find meaning and purpose, and build new stronger relationships with others. What is helpful to one person may or may not be helpful to another person. Finding our personal agency and making hard choices amid overwhelming grief is deeply personal and challenging. The intensity of grief does not have a time limit or expiration date. Because of this, it is important that we not judge ourselves too harshly. At the same time, how do we begin to make small choices that impact how grief will transform us? Here are a couple of ideas of a place to start.
Be Intentional and Deliberate about Your Daily Choices. Grief can be debilitating, particularly early in our grief. Grief zaps our energy, occupies our mind, drains our emotions, and weighs on our spirit. So, being intentional may mean different things along the way. It can be anything from choosing to get out of bed, stepping outside, or listening to music to accepting an invitation to have coffee with a friend, going for a walk or run, or watching a sunrise or sunset. When we have limited energy, brain power, or motivation, it is important to be intentional about what we choose to do with ourselves each day. Rather than making big plans or lofty goals, we can start small by focusing on our next input. What are we going to do in the next moment even when we are deep in grief. You may find small choices turn out to have a much larger impact than thought they would.
Connect with a Supportive Community. Solitude can sometimes be a solace in our grief. Staying in that place too long, though, can lead to isolation. Many have found connecting with others who are compassionate and understanding to be helpful as they are grieving. In our grief, we often discover that some of these relationships fall by the wayside. Some, perhaps, should. People who have not had our loss cannot fully understand and often say or do things that may alienate us or put a strain on the relationship. There may still be some of these relationships, however, that are important to you. Determining those who we still want and need in our lives can keep us connected with others, even when we are not feeling that connection.
A supportive community can also be found with those who have personally experienced a similar loss. Reverend Simon Stephens, the founder of The Compassionate Friends movement, found that the bereaved parents he was supporting in his work as a chaplain could support one another in ways that he could not because he had not experienced the death of a child. Simply put, he found that peer support works – being with others who understand on a personal level can help us to bear the pain of grief and sorrow in ways we cannot carry on our own. The Compassionate Friends offers a community of support where you can connect with others, access supportive information, share about your loved one, and find caring support in your grief. If you have not already done so, you can begin making these connections by visiting The Compassionate Friends website HERE.
Wherever you may be in your grief. Please be patient with yourself. Grief is a transformational experience that alters our lives. Ignore the voices that try to push you too fast. Set your own pace. Grief is hard and there are no right or wrong ways to grieve. When you are ready and as you are able, a little at a time, consider ways that you can care for yourself, small choices you can make, and coping strategies you might adopt along the way. Read, research, lean on, and learn from others as you find the way that works best for you. If you find things that work for you and you experience personal growth, share it with others. You never know what another person might need that helps them along their way. We are The Compassionate Friends: We Need Not Walk Alone.
For more information on growth and transformation after profound loss, check out my latest webinar titled Post Bereavement Growth and Tenets of Transformational Living by clicking HERE.
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Good morning Andy, your article is spot on. Thank you.
Thank you for the reminder.