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Just a Stepmom

From the time I was old enough to play “house,” I knew I wanted to be a mom. However, time passed, and it seemed it wasn’t meant to be. I was almost 40 when the love of my life walked through the door. Not only did he share my faith and my love of music, he also came with four children as a package deal. I gratefully became a stepmom.

As the years passed, we were a typical blended family dealing with typical family issues. We adapted easily to co-parenting as we all focused on what was best for the kids. Sometimes when I look back on those days, I am amazed at the love we all shared.

All four kids had very distinct personalities. Megan, our oldest, was and still is, a dreamer. She marches to the beat of her own drum and makes no apologies for it. Roy, a year younger than Megan, was a friend to all. He was outgoing and fun and never met a stranger. Once he came to pick me up at the airport. I found him sitting with a child of about 6 years old and his mother. Neither of them spoke English but Roy was communicating with them and making them laugh.

Taylor is next in the family tree. He was born 10 years after Megan. Taylor had such a gentle spirit. He loved all animals, and all animals loved him. He loved old-time country music, and his laughter and smile were contagious.

Finally, we have Kelsey who came along a year after Taylor. She loved going for rides with her older brother who called her a chick-magnet. The girls flocked to him when he brought his little sister along. Kelsey feared nothing as a child and has become even stronger as an adult.

As we approached the worst day of my life, we were just a typical family. Megan and Roy had both graduated from high school and were working. Roy was full-time at the same company I worked for. When our paths would cross in the office everyone knew he was my son, and I was his mom. When he decided to enroll at Ohio State University, I could barely conceal my pride. However, I was devastated when he announced he was moving out. Roy had decided to take an apartment with a friend and start making his own dreams come true. He continued to drop by the house occasionally to do laundry or pick up the latest leftovers, but I missed him.

Then came January 13, 2008, the day my world stopped. Roy was in his apartment alone when he died. He was just 20 years old. The coroner determined that an artery to his heart didn’t develop properly and ultimately his heart just stopped. Natural causes.

Everyone was devastated. How could this be true? How could he be gone? We stumbled through the next days in a fog. We wrote an obituary for our 20-year-old. We planned a funeral. We stood in line and accepted condolences for hours. We listened to stories about Roy and hung on every word. We were broken.

It was at the funeral that I was first reminded of my status. It was subtle and I didn’t really notice at first. Caring friends and family hugged me and whispered in my ear, “How is your husband holding up?” and “Let me know if we can do anything for him.” I was treated as the caretaker of the family instead of a grieving mom. I suppose I accepted this as how it was supposed to be and kept my pain to myself as we tried to figure out how to continue living. My focus was on supporting my grieving husband, but I was dying inside.

The second worst day of my life was April 16, 2012. Taylor was 15 years old and had developed what appeared to be a rash on his shoulder. He went to school that morning and to the doctor at noon. Taylor died at the doctor’s office. The coroner said Taylor had been born with a blood disorder that had been dormant his entire life but became active due to a recent virus. Natural causes.

Another funeral. Another receiving line of friends and family. This time, I was even more clearly defined as the stepmom. Again, I accepted my role as a step away from those who suffered this great loss.

As time moved on after both losses, I found myself feeling almost like an imposter. Grief was tearing me apart inside, but I was questioning my feelings. Maybe I was being selfish. I should be focusing on my husband and his loss. This wasn’t about me. I did not give birth to Roy or Taylor. I was just a stepmom. Society said I should not be grieving so hard. When I encountered someone who heard I lost a stepchild, the questions inevitably began. “How old was Roy when you married his dad?” “Did he live with you?” “Were you close?” It seemed they needed to quantify my grief before determining if they would grant me sympathy. One associate at work actually said, “At least he wasn’t your own kid, right?” I suppose that was meant to make me feel better. It did not.

I looked for books about the loss of a stepchild but very little is available. I tried counseling but I don’t think the counselor understood. What I found most helpful was The Compassionate Friends. As I have heard many others say, The Compassionate Friends saved our lives. This group of strangers listened and understood. They comforted my husband and they comforted me. They taught me it was OK for me to grieve.

As the years have passed, I have learned a great deal about grief. We eventually moved into the leadership of TCF and have been honored to help others as they learn to navigate their own path. Helping is healing. Truer words were never spoken.

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Comments (2)

  • This!!! I have received every single one of those “comments” and more. The love I share with our surviving children and our son’s wife carries me and reminds me daily of the parental/maternal role I have in their lives. Over time I am learning who to share our story with – not everyone gets “the book”. We have distanced ourselves from people who don’t understand and added others that do. The truth is as a family we all grieve our loss and each of us grief differently- grief is a the love we shared not the DNA.

  • Thank you for this article. I am a step grandmother. My family and friends have been very supportive of my loss. The only person that I think doesn’t feel I should be grieving is my daughter-in-law. Not only am I grieving for my 6 year old granddaughter but I am grieving the loss of the life my son and daughter-in-law had. Their lives have been forever altered. Compassionate Friends has been helpful with my grief as well.

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