It’s that time of year again. Carols are on the radio. Movies play on the television. Trimmings decorate the trees.
Memories linger in our hearts.
The holiday season can be challenging, even without being complicated by grief over the loss of a loved one. With the additional weight of grief, the holidays can become a complex maze of good intentions, great expectations, and high hopes, all mixed together with the stark reality that someone somewhere might end up disappointed.
We try to do our best to keep the traditions of previous Christmases intact, or we start new ones in an effort to reduce the painful throb of all we’ve lost. However, when we are forced to choose between what others want in the way of celebrations and what we desperately need in order to navigate the minefield of memories, some friction between the two expectations is inevitable.
May I make a suggestion? Each time frustration and discouragement come calling this holiday season, take a moment to try to see beyond the actions and words of your friends to the love (or grief) that drives those words and actions.
If you are the one who is grieving, be thankful that your friends want to celebrate with you. Be thankful that they are still making an effort to include you in their holiday plans. Try to meet them halfway, if you are able. True friends will respond with compassion when you explain what you can do and what you cannot, even if you cannot explain why.
If your friend is the one who is grieving, do what you can to give them the strength for those milestone events that squeeze their hearts so painfully. Be thankful that your grieving friend is making it through those tough days, even if making it through those days doesn’t include all that you had hoped. And show your friend that you love them enough to accept a “No” to your invitations (even though you really wanted a “Yes”). Try to remember that “No” doesn’t mean “I don’t want to”. It means “I want to, but I just can’t”. Be thankful that your grieving friend loves you enough to be honest about their need, and ask them how you can help them celebrate their loved one’s memory during the holidays in a way that they find comforting.
Christmas is the season of giving.
Give grace.
Give compassion.
And give love unconditionally.
That is what Christmas is all about.
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