“I don’t know what it’s like to lose a child.” I’ve heard that so many times over the last five years. My response . . . well, it is always the same . . . “You’re not supposed to.”
I’ve found that people really don’t know what to say most of the time, and that doesn’t bother me. How can they know how to respond to something that, I believe, no one was ever meant to experience? Unfortunately, there are far too many of us who have, and do, experience it, and we have found out it is a never-ending, ever-evolving experience. I have to admit that I’ve come a long way in what I’ve heard called the “new normal.” We may not have known exactly what normal was before the deaths of our children, but we knew without a shred of a doubt that our lives would never, ever be the same after those deaths occurred.
At first, I was always a breath away from that horrible pain and tenderness that could immediately bring me to devastation. That devastation and the tears that accompanied it followed me everywhere I went, even in my sleep. It seemed to last forever, but looking back over the last four and a half years, it’s moved to a deeper place inside me. Just as tender, but not ever-present. I never know when the pain of losing him is going to rise up, but I greet it with a welcoming heart when it does. After all, my grief is directly connected to the son I can no longer laugh with, or hug, or have heated political and religious discussions with. I embrace those tender times and wouldn’t allow anyone to talk me out of them or try to take them away from me. They help define an ever-growing love for him that is always present and more meaningful than his death. Ironically, his death has caused that love to grow continually, even in his absence.
What is difficult for me? It is this. It’s when people so easily forget that I go to sleep and wake up in a world I was never prepared for. It’s when people forget that I have a tender delicate place inside myself that can be much more easily hurt. So when people are less than kind, it affects me much more easily and deeply than it did before Todd left our family. What do I do about that? I forgive them, or I work at forgiving them. Most of the people I know just don’t remember my nightmare, and that’s simply because it was and is my nightmare and not theirs. So I forgive and continue to let my life unfold as gracefully as I can.
Fortunately, I have three children who love me very much, and they never cease to show me love and consideration so that I never, ever take that for granted. The tragedy of my son’s death, I believe, has enhanced my love for them.
Another unusual circumstance that has helped me is that one of my dearest friends, Trisha, lost her firstborn son, too, about a year and a half after I lost mine. This is something that was unimaginable in our friendship, and we never dreamed we would have this in common, but here we are sharing our grief, laughter, anger, and occasional silence. The understanding between the two of us is automatically there, no explanations are necessary, and her care and support have been invaluable to me, and the same is true for her.
For those of you out there who also walk this path . . . my heart bonds with yours in sending along wishes and hopes that new experiences in your life will make the pain of your loss more bearable. As you keep on walking, may your life be sprinkled with pleasant surprises and unexpected joys that will come before and follow after those inevitable times of grief. Remember, life is still full, so fill up with as much as you can.
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So sorry for your loss Louise. I too lost my son, Todd. He was just 26 years old. He’d be 53 years old this coming June if he had lived. Unfortunately, he was my only child.
I lost my son Todd 42 years old as well. Today,at work I checked ID for a customer buying beer. I did a double take because it was Todd’s same birthday 8/7/76. I told him why and he gave me a hug. I walked away, but watched him try to pay for his purchase. 2 cards rejected and he was going to cancel. I jumped in and paid, figuring that was what Todd was trying to tell me. I used to loan him a few dollars here and there. Sent me somebody to help.
Hi I enjoyed and related so much to what she were writing. I lost my son on 25 December 2010. He was only 15 years and 9 months. I only had 2 sons.
My eldest son was 18 at the time the younger one died. He was devastated as well. But he got married 3 years ago with the same girl that was present at the time of the accident so we gained a daughter whom I much love and adore.
But its a beautifull letter
Thank for sharing your story. It resonates with me so much, but I’ve never had the right words to express these feelings like you have in this story/article. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who gets hurt and feels hurt so differently and strongly. I cry at the drop of a hat. I so appreciate you letting me and others know that we are not alone in our loss and grief. If I ever find the words to help others, I too will share my story!
Thanks for sharing…words can never express how deep our grief is…it is a new normal but not one we would ever have wanted! I lost my daughter Stefanie at 34 one year ago and am now raising her 2 children…I’m blessed by them as we walk this new normal together! God Bless all of you for sharing and we will one day see our children again!
I also lost my Son Drew
He was 33 years old
He was a science teacher
He left 2 children and a wife
He died in 2015
These words are so true
I still shed tears when I hear a certain song
Lots of memories
I know I will see him again on the other side
Bless each and everyone of you
Thank you for sharing this. I have lost both my Mother and my Father and an Aunt that was closer to me than my Mother and the holes left in my heart are enormous. I imagine the hole in your heart is much larger. I am blessed to still have my only child, he is 23, but last year he lost his best friend at the age of 22. I am close friends with his mother and I struggle to say the right things to her as well as to my son. I pray for them daily and pray that God will guide me to say the right things and to be there for them both. I don’t want to even try to imagine what she, as a Mother is going through. Our church did a skit with our youth group once where my son played the part of a young man that died in an accident, I portrayed the part of his Mother and it nearly ripped my heart out to just portray that scene…that has never left me, and it was only acting…I stand amazed at the strength that it has to take to put one foot in front of the other when you have lost a child. Each child is a piece of a Mother’s heart that can never be replaced. I do not believe it was meant to be that a child go before their Mother, it just isn’t natural. I hope I haven’t said anything here to offend or hurt you or anyone that may read this. My intent was just to say that I can’t ever imagine, nor do I want to, the pain and suffering one experiences when losing a child and your strength as well as my friends, amazes me and I admire you as a person because of it. I will pray for you as I continue to pray for my friend and my son. Thank you for listening.
I too have lost my son todd on his 28th birthday, it will be a year on March 30th it’s unbearable. he was my mini me. I prayed to god to have him and on the same day he blessed me with him he decided he wanted him back 28 years later. I hope my son has a better purpose for leaving this earth so young and that one day I will reunite with him again.
Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go” ~ Jamie Anderson, the rest of this letter can be found at:
https://kathyparker.com.au/2017/01/02/grief-is-just-love-with-no-place-to-go/
I’m praying for you ladies. March 22nd was the 1st anniversary of the loss of our youngest child, Kevin. Many years ago his best friend had asked Kevin to raise his daughter if anything ever happened to him. Kevin agreed. He loved her like a daughter anyway. I don’t know if Kevin asked his best friend to watch over us, but he has. He and his daughter were there for the 1st Sunday dinner without Kevin, our anniversary, any time we needed help, and yes on March 22, 2019.
Your story was right on. So sorry for your loss.
I lost my daughter, Alishia just before her 21st Birthday, May12, 2006. Mother’s Day weekend. Sometimes I still start crying when thoughts of her come to mind. I always will. What makes me cry one day, makes me smile to remember another. My emotions are a reflection of the love and loss I am feeling. I don’t try to hide them. Your story and other stories make the journey a bit less lonely.
Thank you
Almost two years ago, my son Jimmy died at 41, on the other side of the world and one year after the death of my daughter, Carol, 31. They are loved so much, mourned so deeply, missed by their father and me, and their younger brothers and loved so much.