The process of grieving a significant death takes a person through many stages and changes. While each person grieves uniquely, some experiences are common. A substantial loss, such as the death of our child, sibling, or grandchild, impacts our whole being and is often felt emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, and socially.
Initially in our grief, we endure intense and relentless pain. Most of our time is spent learning to live a life that looks very different than the one we had while trying to comprehend impossible new realities.
As time goes on, many bereaved parents, siblings, and grandparents find new parts of themselves that have grown and developed by the process of navigating such painful and powerful grief. Viktor Frankl, the famous 20th-century psychologist, philosopher, and author, wrote, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” He wrote these words after the devastating deaths of his entire family in the concentration camps during World War II.
Frankl’s perspective relates to the concept of “post-traumatic growth” (PTG,) which was studied and developed by researchers Dr. Tedeschi and Dr. Calhoun in the mid 1990s. Post-traumatic growth is the positive psychological change that people can experience after crisis or a traumatic event. This positive transformation occurs as a result of the struggle endured. Even from great loss, such as the death of a child, people can experience personal growth. This doesn’t negate the sorrow and indescribable pain experienced or suggest that a bereaved individual who experiences PTG is “healed.” It highlights the gradual and deep transformation that can come for some people over time through the growth required to survive. As Victor Frankl pointed out, we have the power to choose our response.
The primary areas of post-traumatic growth include:
One of the factors identified as helpful for facilitating post-traumatic growth is support during the crisis, loss, or trauma. The Compassionate Friends model of peer-to-peer support is an important illustration of a critically needed system of assistance after loss. It is also a powerful arena where growth and transformation from loss are possible over time. Many of our volunteers for The Compassionate Friends are representations of post-traumatic growth as they create new possibilities in their life that impact our world for the better.
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This article hit home for me! It has been five years since I lost my son, Stephen. That same year I lost my brother-in-law and then my dad. I felt that I had to be strong for my husband, my other two sons, and my dad after Stephen died. Then I had to be strong for husband when his brother died. I believe I was in denial before my dad died! I didn’t want to believe that he was going to die! I was kept busy for about two years with my dad’s estate, During this time I found TCF. While I did go to a couple of local chapter meetings, I eventually joined one of the TCF online FB groups. It helped me tremendously to be with others who understood without judgment and got it! I eventually became Moderator of the group. I have found by sharing Stephen’s and my journeys and listening to others has helped me with my grief! When Stephen died I felt that I had lost my purpose in life! I eventually found some new purposes. First, being Moderator of the TCF FB group. Secondly, I took up crafting! My craft room is Stephen’s room. I find a sense of peace and calm, as well as Stephen being with me. Thirdly, I became a Certified Grief Educator! All of these things help with my grief and give me reason to live my life! I need to live my life for my husband and other two adult sons! Stephen always told me that he wanted us to live our lives when he was gone! I could very easily stay in bed all day. I realized that this wasn’t going to bring Stephen back nor would it be what he wanted! I still grieve but I have learned to see things a little differently!