Grieving on the Job: How to Navigate Work After the Death of a Child
Posted on October 25th, 2024
Roger Harden was relaxing at home on a Friday evening when his phone rang. Seeing his son TJ’s number on the screen, he answered, saying “Hey son, what’s up?” After a long silence, an unfamiliar voice said, “Mr. Harden, this is Kevin, deputy coroner for Jersey County. There’s been an accident.”
TJ had been driving up a levee near work when his truck flipped. According to Kevin, TJ had died instantly.
After a brief conversation, Roger hung up the phone. His 30-year-old son was dead. Life as he knew it was over, but Roger had phone calls to make: to his ex-wife, TJs mom; his younger son; his father; texts to send to his manager and a close friend at Delta Air Lines where he works; a funeral to plan.
Grief is an inescapable part of life. The death of a child or sibling is shattering, and when it happens, we bring our pain and sadness to work with us. Yet the vast majority of workplaces are ill-prepared to navigate the minefield of loss.
Very few managers receive training on how to support a grieving employee and many have little to no experience dealing with significant losses of their own. Despite their best intentions, they may say and do the wrong thing. They may neglect to tell your coworkers your child has died. They may check in infrequently to see how you’re handling the return to work and stop all together once you appear to be doing better.
Although virtually everyone who’s grieving returns to work before they’re ready, here are some ways to ease the transition and garner support from your boss and your team:
Begin with what you need.
- Think about the return. Do you want to start on Monday and work a full week? Or would you prefer to come back on Thursday or Friday? Would it help to stop by the office for a short visit first to get the initial conversations with your coworkers out of the way?
- If you have an in-person role, would you prefer to work from home for a while? If you work remotely, would you prefer to be in the office, either to be around your team or to have a refuge from your grief?
- Consider whether you want your colleagues to bring up your loss. Are there circumstances when you don’t want people to approach you? Do you want your coworkers to send cards, offer to drop off a meal, leave flowers on your desk?
- Roger’s boss told him to take all the time he needed, but two weeks after TJs death, Roger realized he couldn’t sit home alone any longer. When he returned to work, his manager asked, “What are you doing here?” Roger said, “I can’t stay at home.” His manager nodded and said, “Fair enough.”
Reach out to your boss.
- Begin by confirming that everyone knows about your loss. Roger’s bosses made sure his team and the others he worked with knew about TJ’s death which eliminated his need to share the awful news. It also prevented awkward encounters with coworkers cheerfully asking where he’d gone during his time off.
Discuss the timing and details of your return and request any accommodations you’ll need for funeral arrangements, grief support, child care, etc.
Let your boss know whether you want your colleagues to mention your loss at work and how you want them to acknowledge it, if at all.
Consider what you can and can’t do.
- Your boss and your colleagues can’t read your mind. Although they may offer to help, they won’t know what you do and don’t need. Think about the responsibilities of your position and what might feel hard or impossible right now. Could you talk to suppliers on the phone? Meet with customers? Deliver a presentation?
Your brain may feel fuzzy, and focusing may be a challenge. Consider asking one of your colleagues to check your work for typos or mathematical errors before it’s sent to a customer or another department.
- After returning to work, Roger felt as though he was going through the motions. “I’m the expert on electrical discharge machines (EDM), and I can run the EDM blindfolded. So that’s what I did. I took all the EDM projects, whether they were a high priority or not, and everyone was okay with that. I knew my brain wasn’t working the way it should, but I also knew I needed to be at work and keep my brain functioning.”
Ask your boss or a trusted colleague to serve as your point person.
- Even well-meaning coworkers will make mistakes. They’ll bring up your loss or inquire about whether you’re doing okay, even if you asked them not to. The person you least want to spend time with will keep cornering you in the breakroom or popping into your cubicle to invite you out for coffee. Colleagues won’t understand why mentioning your loved one’s name or asking how your kids are coping just before an all staff meeting or client presentation is the wrong time. A point person can redirect an overly eager coworker or gently educate your team on how and when to broach your loss.
Prepare to cry at work.
- Grief is unpredictable, and triggers are everywhere. Carry tissues at all times. If you don’t have an office, find a safe space to retreat to if you need a few minutes alone. A private bathroom, a close friend’s office, a rarely used conference room, a quiet spot outside.
Be honest with your colleagues.
- If you’re struggling, ask for help. Your boss and your team can’t support you if they don’t know what you need. If you want a decrease in your workload or a different assignment, say so. If the holidays are triggering or the anniversary of your child’s death is approaching, ask about taking time off.
- Roger connected early on with a coworker at Delta named Tim Moye who had also lost his son. Roger sent unfiltered emails to Tim asking questions like “Who cries in the blade tip grinding room? Or at Lowe’s or Ollie’s Bargain Outlet?” Tim responded by saying, “Congratulations. You’re normal.”
Know that your needs will change over time.
- Your grief will ebb and flow. The acute pain will ease, but you will still get blindsided by sadness. Keep your boss and point person updated on how you’re doing, what you’re finding challenging and where you need extra help or support. They won’t know anything has changed if you don’t tell them.
Give yourself grace.
- Weighed down with grief, you may snap at a coworker or burst into tears during a meeting. Months, even years, after your child or sibling dies, you may struggle to concentrate at times or feel stressed or anxious. Conversely, you may discover that work is a safe haven from your sadness. You’ll find yourself joking with a colleague or allowing a project to distract you from your loss. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can.
Most of all, remember to breathe. “For me,” Roger said, “for most machinists, we hate making mistakes. We hate getting things wrong. We hate missing details, and we hate scrapping parts. But if you can pause, take measured steps, do what you know how to do in the way you know how to do it, you can still get the job done.”
Margo Fowkes is the president of OnTarget Consulting (ontargetconsulting.net) a firm specializing in helping organizations act strategically, improve performance, and achieve their business goals. Author of "Leading Through Loss: How to Navigate Grief at Work," Margo also works with corporate and nonprofit leaders create a more compassionate culture by speaking openly about grief and loss in the workplace. After the death of her son Jimmy in 2014, Margo launched Salt Water (findyourharbor.com), a blog and online community that provides a safe harbor for those who have lost someone dear to them – a child, sibling, parent, grandchild, partner, close friend or pet.
