At first, there’s a flood of “I’m so sorry” variations as soon as you mention the loss of your child. It’s only been a few weeks since you said goodbye. These common condolences, while considered thoughtful, seem to fall quite short. Maybe it will get better with time.
Soon you hear, “I know how you feel; I lost my _____,” when asked why you may be a bit melancholy. You know they mean well, but how could they possibly know how you feel? Why do they think losing a _____ is the same as losing a child? Maybe this, too, will get better with time.
After a while, either said, implied, or even in our own thoughts, we “should be over it” seems to echo. What exactly does that mean? We should no longer miss our child? No longer hurt because they are gone? Does being over it mean we’ve stopped crying? We shouldn’t talk about our child? We shouldn’t be grieving anymore? It seems to most often be the latter. It must be time now.
While for a lot of things the old saying “time heals all wounds” holds true, but it definitely does not when it comes to grief and a loss as significant as your child. It isn’t time that heals us. In fact, we don’t really “heal” at all because the grief never goes away. It just changes. Everything changes.
At some point in our lives, in school, or maybe after our grandparents pass, we learn there are 5 Stages of Grief. We are taught about each one: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. The way they are explained lends to the belief that we go through each stage and move on to the next. So why is it taking so long?
The reality is that we don’t go through each stage one by one. We bounce around, never “completing” any of them. Sure, almost all of us start in the Denial stage. What parent lives longer than their child? That can’t be right. Once you realize it is true, you’ve completed that stage. Except a few weeks, months, (or even years) later, you find yourself questioning that all over again.
We all certainly get into the Anger stage pretty quickly as well. We’re mad that we have to plan their services, pick out flowers, something for them to lie in, their clothes—the list goes on. Then angrier still that we cannot hug them again. Or hear their voice. Being angry all the time isn’t good for anyone, so eventually that calms down. We have now completed that stage. Then, after a while, something stirs it up again—usually a family event or a holiday. Here we are, angry that they are not here to celebrate with us.
Okay, but if we stop complaining about “x, y, and z”, we can have our child back, right? How about if we take their place? Too much? Fine, I’ll do “blah” if it just doesn’t have to hurt so bad! Obviously, none of that is going to work. I can’t speak for all, but I know for myself that after 18 years, I’m still trying to make a deal.
There’s no escaping the intense sadness and depression that come with losing a child. This stage, we have to watch a bit closer. Many of us tend to get “stuck” in this one. It’s okay to be stuck for a while in this stage. Just make sure you have something to hold on to. For me, TCF has been one of those things I hold on to. Family. Friends. While there are times I can let go a little, I can find myself needing to hold on again and again. Seeking professional assistance can be necessary as well. It’s not a bad idea to keep a list of assistance sources, as we may need more than one from time to time.
I’m not sure I like “Acceptance” much when it comes to grief. In my mind’s definition, I see acceptance as being okay or allowed, while acknowledgement is simply a statement of fact. In reality, they mean the same thing, but somehow it’s easier for me to acknowledge that my child is no longer here than to be okay with it or allow it. Neither is the equivalent of “being over” the loss or completing the Stages of Grief. Soon enough, I will be right back in Denial again.
Grief is fluid. There is no time limit. It simply changes. Everything changes. We change. We have to.
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