It isn’t just sadness and crying, although that is certainly part of it.
It’s forgetfulness. Earlier I went to put the laundry in the dryer only to realize I had never turned the washing machine on.
I’ve lost important paperwork, my glasses, my coffee cup, etc. I will swear I told Greg or Allison something only for them to tell me I didn’t.
It’s exhaustion. Sleep doesn’t help. I can sleep 3 hours or 13 and I wake up exhausted. It’s the kind of tired you feel in your bones. The kind that makes me feel like I’ve aged 20 years in the last month. The kind that makes it incredibly difficult to do anything at all.
It’s questioning yourself about everything. Did I tell him I loved him that night before we left? I know I did , but I keep second guessing myself. Did I pray for him enough? And if so, why did this happen? Why him? Did my extreme worry over that bike somehow make this happen? Did I worry it into fruition? It’s all so silly, but when you are in the thick of grief, nothing makes sense. So you question everything. Am I praying hard enough now to keep the rest of my family safe? Do I have any control over anything anyway?
It’s anger. Anger at the person you lost, at others, at yourself, at no one at all. Anger that can’t be fixed by screaming or throwing things. It just sits with you. And it changes depending on the day, even the minute.
It’s physical pain. Heart racing, headaches, constant nausea, and stomach aches. Everything hurts.
It’s guilt. Guilt for continuing to breathe when he stopped. For laughing at something on TV or at each other. Guilt for being sad, because I know he wouldn’t want us to be sad. He was the fixer. He couldn’t stand for us to be sad.
And it is sadness. It’s crying until you physically can’t cry anymore. It’s working, doing housework, eating, reading, etc. but the sadness never really leaves. You get small glimpses of hope now and then, but the sadness overshadows it. It is a deep sadness that unless you’ve been through this, you’ll never understand.
It’s complicated. It is gut wrenching and awful and I pray you never have to go through it.
I miss my boy so much. Grief may change, but that never will. I will miss him for the rest of my life.
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