Fall was our favorite time of the year; the feel and scent of cool crisp air, cozy aromatic kitchens, candles, decorations, and colorful falling leaves. But most of all, the crackling flame and smell of a bonfire, a relaxing night beside it with easy flowing conversation about nothing really; our day or week that would always lead to ideas and thoughts in the future along with plenty of laughter. Little did I know it would be our last one when the embers faded that night in October. Simple moments taken for granted. If only…I could relive that last bonfire, I would not change a thing.
It’s hard to believe this is the third fall season without my son. In the beginning, everything was dark, especially the first months and first year. On the inside, I felt just like the faded embers. On the outside, I looked just like everyone else going about their day. It is too easy to get caught up in the yesterdays, but we do not belong there anymore. We cannot stay there. There was no choice but to keep moving forward. I did it for him. I did it for me. I did it for my family. If only…things were like the before.
After two and a half years, I could feel my ember had reignited my inner strength, so dim at first I did not even realize it was there, glowing slowly at first. I wanted to know why. Why my kind son? He didn’t deserve it. Why my family? But the truth is, it can happen to any son, any daughter, anyone’s child or any family. We all know someone or some family who has experienced this horrendous gut-wrenching loss, we just never think it can happen to us until it does. It doesn’t matter how it happened or if we get the chance to say goodbye, the heartache and pain of loss are exactly the same. The only way through the darkness is forgiveness. We cannot change what has happened. We cannot get the answers to the what ifs. But we can move forward. If only…I could have done something to prevent it.
Grief comes in so many forms and is different for everyone. For me, I do not focus on the ending. I prefer to remember all the good times and everything that happened in the past. He knew I was strong; I knew I was strong, and everything happened exactly how he would have wanted if given the choice and how it was supposed to if there was no choice. Finding him that morning, of course, was the worst day of my life. But each day is an opportunity to remember something special about a loved one, and most importantly to say their name. He will never be forgotten. Something that made you laugh; made you feel good can still bring those feelings. Even if it brings tears, those are beautiful droplets like a time capsule shared together. Nothing can take that away. Of course, there are triggers. The hardest time in the beginning was at night, lying in bed when everything is quiet and still but your mind races with thoughts and memories. If only…I could see you in the morning.
It didn’t matter what I was doing; working, driving, dishes, laundry or cleaning the house, he was on my mind all day long. From the moment I woke up until the moment I finally fell asleep and unknowingly let go of all thoughts. Sometimes he is in my dreams, I find it comforting. The hardest part is learning to live without him each day. But, like so many others, I too am proof it can be done. I too am proof you can get out of the dark place, even if no one else knows you are there. Each day that passes is a choice on my personal grief, I give myself strength. No one can do it for me. It happens slowly, just like fanning a dimming ember. You don’t realize you have gotten through the hardest thing you could ever imagine happening. But it did, and I choose light every day. I do it for him. I do it for me. I do it for my family. If only…I could talk to you one more time.
As a mom, we sort through their belongings, donate some items, give cherished possessions to loved ones and set their keepsakes aside in a box to go through later when we are ready. There is no rush. It’s just stuff. Sometimes we sit quietly in their rooms or a special place, remembering the before. We go to their favorite places, like before. We still cook their favorite foods, like before. We make decisions based on what they would have wanted or chosen, like before. We honor their memories daily in simple ways, sometimes without realizing it. We honor them on holidays, their birthdays and “angelversaries”. We journal our thoughts to heal, grieve, and especially to remember; that is so important, now more than ever. We put together scrapbooks, memory albums and blankets to cherish and never forget. Because that is all we have now. Memories. If only…we could make new ones.
Like the faded-out embers of our last bonfire, I am now living in the after. It is a vastly different life; one I would never have chosen. One I honestly do not like. One I do not always recognize. I am not the same person I was before. But that is ok. How it happened or why really does not matter anymore. What I do know is, I need to keep going and treasure the life I once knew and had, but I refuse to get stuck there or go back to the dark place. I refuse to get stuck in the past and not enjoy the tomorrows. I need to find out what each day has to offer. I do it and choose light. Every. Single. Day. I do it for him. I do it for me. I do it for my family. There is always something that makes you feel good or gives you hope each day. It is the smallest of everyday moments that remind us of these are the good old days memories are made of too, they are not just in our past. If only…you could see me now, you would be so very proud.
Do we actually heal? Maybe not, but we do evolve with time that softens the hard parts to remember and laugh at the beautiful ones. I will always treasure the first and last pictures with love. If only…you knew how much I miss you.
I still enjoy fall; the feel and scent of cool crisp air, cozy aromatic kitchens, candles, decorations, and colorful falling leaves and especially the bonfires. I do it for you. I do it for me. I do it for my family. If only…you were beside me enjoying it too.
When you were little, I used to read your favorite bedtime stories to you. Now, as I lay down each night, you have become one of mine. If only…you could give me one last hug and tell me it was the ending.
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What a loving tribute and heartwarming recollection of your autumn experiences, precious memories of your son and dealing with trying to make sense of it in someway. We also understand how getting to a better place is something we do for them, that we do for ourselves and we do for our family. I enjoyed these times as well with my family and son. The fires embers in the fall has always been a treasured experience for me. Now, i will treasure those moments even more.
Thank you so much for your article on faded fall embers.