“It will never be the same. Never.” As a bereaved parent, you have often heard or said these words to express grief’s profound feelings of sorrow and disorientation. Your life has suddenly taken an unexpected course that appears both uncharted and endless. Bewildered, you vainly search for pathways back to your former life, until you confront the reality that there is no way back. Your child is dead forever. It is then that you may say, “…never the same.”
This is the aspect of grief that Simon Stephens calls “The Valley of the Shadow.” It is that very long time between the death of your child and your reinvestment in life. Between. It is not supposed to be a permanent resting place. Although some people do take up residence in the valley, it is a transition from the death of your child to life with renewed purpose.
The key to this transition is yourself. You must choose between life and the valley. You and only you can decide. And you must make that decision again and again, each day.
Giving in to the hopelessness of the valley is tempting. Choosing to move on toward life requires a great deal of work. You must struggle with the pain of grief in order to resolve it. It is a daily struggle full of tears, anger, guilt and self-doubt, but it is the only alternative to surrendering yourself to the valley.
Little by little you choose to move on. Little by little you progress toward the other side of the valley. It takes a very long time, far longer than your friends or relatives suspected. Far longer than you had believed – even prayed – that it would be. When one day you find yourself able to do more than choose merely to live but also how to live, you will know you are leaving the valley of the shadow. There will still be more work to do, more struggle and choosing. The valley, however, stretches behind rather than in front of you.
When you have resolved your grief by reinvesting in life, you will be able to realize that nothing is ever “the same.” Life is change. We would not have it be otherwise, for that is the valley of the shadow. Change has the promise of beginning and the excitement of discovery.
Life is never the same. Life is change. Choose life!
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Marcia,
On Nov. 11, it will be 6 yrs. since I lost my 20 yr. old son Stefan to an accidental overdose. It took me a little over 5 yrs. to reach this place of peace. My sister just lost her 22 yr. old son to suicide. As she’s whaling in my arms, trying to figure out how to survive her loss, I hold her, and tell her time is her only hope. She has no idea how to get from where she is, to where I am… but she will. Your words say what I feel. Thank you Marcia for explaining this place I now call home.
Stefan’s Mom 💙
I am coming out of the valley after 10 years. My son, David, died in 2008. Sometime after the 10th anniversary of his death, I began to feel the need to lay down some of my grief. I was so tired of sadness, so beaten down inside even while appearing super strong and accomplished to everyone. My husband died 4 years ago after a long illness during which I cared for him. I think my ego has finally asserted itself and said enough – live your life. There’s been a shift of some kind. For the better. I still cry, but I cry less. I sing. I play guitar. I hike. I kayak. I still feel like a societal outsider, but it can be nice outside if you just keep trying. Nature, music and art can help you.