We have always had choices in our lives:
And then, one day, we ran out of choices, or so we thought. Our world came to pieces, and the sky grew dark, and the sun went out. But even then, in the darkest moments that we have ever known, there were choices to be made . . . even if we did not recognize them. From the moment we learned of the death, there were choices to be made:
In a world where there are no choices to be made, we are faced with countless choices that are required. Yet there is simply no energy, no brain power, no motivation to make any of them. We would prefer to lie down and die…and some of us tried, but it didn’t work, and so we got up, dusted ourselves off, got busy, made coffee, tossed in a load of laundry, and began to move forward into grief . . . a world filled with choices we did not want to make!
In the early hours, days, weeks, and even months of grief, our choices are pretty basic and limited. We plod through the fog, frozen as icicles or Popsicles, functioning, but not feeling. It is early grief, and fortunately, the choices are pretty basic:
But as grief progresses, our choices begin to become more complex:
Eventually, grief settles down into a routine of sorts . . . a new normal for us; and still there are choices to be made:
And finally, what should we bring with us into our new life?
You will wrestle long and hard, and finally discover the awful truth of grief: your child, your grandchild, your sibling, has died. You have not. You are left among the living, to carve out an existence that has to endure not only the pains of life but the joys as well. And suddenly, survival isn’t enough. If you are to be stuck in life, then you can choose to live again.
We can choose how we wish grief to influence us. We can carry bitterness and anger, or we can choose to remember the light and the love. We rearrange the furniture, change rooms, and sometimes we move.
“The Room” becomes a den, a sewing room, a guest room, or perhaps someone else’s room. We slowly begin to understand that putting our child’s things away does not mean putting him or her out of our life.
This becomes a fork in the road . . . a choice point between grieving forever and learning to live with what you’ve got instead of what you wanted. You don’t have to remember only the awfulness of the death. You can choose to recall the joys, the light your loved one brought, the music of his or her presence in your life:
These are the Choice Points in Grief:
You can choose what you remember. You can choose what you carry with you. You can choose what you let go. You can choose to carry hurt, pain, bitterness, and anger.
You can choose to carry joy, love, laughter, and life.
How long are you going to let the death overshadow the life?
Didn’t say goodbye? Then say it now, or choose to say, “I love you,” now, tonight, and forever.
You don’t stop loving someone just because they died.
You can choose whether you remember the death or the life first. You can look for joy and carry rose-colored glasses, or you can carry the pain and sorrow of the death. Risk it all; don’t wait for anything anymore . . . just start dancing. Even if there is no light, our memory can light the way. No one can take our memories away. You can toss them away or give them away, but no one can destroy those precious moments of light. They will last forever.
Love is the size of a sigh
Light as a kiss
Gentle as a whisper
Small as a moment in time
I am glad I bought the ticket. I’m glad I paid the price. I am glad I shared the journey, and I have a memento or two from the ride. Let go of the hurt so there is room for love to grow. Remember the life, not just the death.
I think the truly bereaved are those who have never known love at all. You and I are rich beyond measure because someone loved us and we loved them . . . we still do. And for this I am thankful.
Grief isn’t a seasonal song.
It’s a lifetime song, but it doesn’t have to be a sad song forever. Our loved ones lived. We loved them. We still do. I choose joy and thanks for the little while.
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I’m crying. This piece is so full of healing. I will bring to our TCF steering committee meeting this Friday.
My suggestion for this piece is to spend a whole monthly meeting on it.
Distribute copies all around.
Read out loud–maybe divided among 2 or 3 readers. Let everyone digest it.
Large group listens to first impressions from members who wish to say something.
Break into small groups. Talk in detail about how this piece spoke to you.
This would be our thank you to wherever Darcie landed upon her death for the little while in our lives.
Living legacy of Darcie Sims.
So very well stated. 20 years down this grief path
Her articles are always outstanding. Thanks for sharing.
Joy or sadness, bitterness or kindness etc. is not a choice…ever…it is living with both simaltaneously. Your attempt to be helpful is aplaudable, and I respect your beloved author. Choices about their things and room and activity in the family and community are real…but emotions that are opposite to each other exist at the same time in the heart of a bereaved parent. No need to make people feel guilty about their contradictory emotions…
Wonderful. Thank you