A GOOD WAY to shake yourself out of your sorrowful mood is to keep yourself busy. Finding a place that is comforting to you will be soothing as you are now forced to make new memories. In doing so, you may consider a visual memorial, a donation in your child’s name, a scholarship fund, anything to keep your child’s name alive. I have also found that in looking for comfort, fresh air is always a good thing. Planting a tree as you watch it grow over time, with a memorial plaque in your child’s honor or a garden patch with a park bench so you can sit and ponder, may go a long way in helping you commemorate your child. It doesn’t matter how old your child was; he or she is still a child in your eyes, so decorate the Christmas tree with your child’s favorite ornaments, anything that may serve to illustrate their interests. Trisha enjoyed all sorts of ornaments and her favorites were the picture framed ones that I kept of her and her brother in their earlier school years. Sleds with their names written on them were also favorites.
Each year I put up angels in Trisha’s memory. Simply placing a picture of your child next to a candle is soothing as you reflect on the wonderful gift they were to you. During a holiday dinner I have done just that and had the candle burning all day. Don’t worry about making visitors comfortable. Sure, they might think that you’re irrational or that you are dwelling too much; if they are uncomfortable, don’t let this be your problem. You have so much to worry about and adding any additional burden onto you is not acceptable. Your child existed and you want his or her name mentioned by others. They will try to avoid talking about things that might hurt you, completely sidestepping the issue, making it the big elephant in the room. But they do not realize that the thing that hurts you most is when they do not speak about your child. You walk with the thought of your child, regardless of who’s around. The truth is that others want to feel good when they visit. I am so grateful when family members and friends speak of her and mention her name as they recall the “remember-when’s.”
You may want to consider gift wrapping a newly-bought item in memory of your child and giving it to an underprivileged child. I have always thought about doing that but haven’t as of yet, but certainly it is my intention. I do believe it’s a wonderful gesture and one worth thinking about. There are many hospitals that accept gifts for the children during the holidays. During the March of Dimes fund that is usually at department stores such as Walmart, K-mart, and even some grocery stores, I usually donate a dollar or two and place Trisha’s name on the heart “In Memory Of.” It warms my heart, and seeing her name taped to the wall is special to me. George and I have volunteered our time at The Make a Wish Foundation Dinner and silent auction. That was a wonderful experience and one I look forward to doing again. It was all about children who have a life-threatening disease and I feel so honored that I was a part of it. It’s wonderful to see how far simple acts of goodness can go, both for yourself and for the beneficiaries.
Another way to build on your child’s memory is by keeping a journal of him or her. I started my journal 17 years ago and I am so thrilled beyond words that I have. As I read on, I wonder if some of the things I have said make any sense at all. As the years have gone by I have forgotten many things and when reading from the early years it comes back to me, her expressions that I write about, her silliness, her raspy voice as a child…just every bit of her. I would suggest not just writing about your sorrow, but about all the wonderful things you remember about them. Had I not done that early on, I would be missing out on memories even in my mind.
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We started a Jason tree the Christmas after he died. Everyone put ornaments on the tree that reminded them of Jason. There were chefs hats, to flip flops, to soccer balls. The ornaments from my granddaughter were especially meaningful. After 16 years I still have his tree in my office. If myself or other see something that reminds us of him they bring it to put on the “Jason tree”.
Jason Anthony Bartlett
March 22, 1974 to August 1, 2003
I also did a tree for my daughter, Nina, Gia. That tree means so much to our family. We share memories when we look at the ornaments. Thanks for sharing that with everyone. It sounds like a wonderfully personal tree.
Hi Paula:
I have kept a journal (my daughter, Mandy Lynn, died 12/18/10, so coming up on nine years) and it’s interesting to read back and see the roller coaster of emotions; I honestly don’t remember much about the first year. I love the candle lighting, do it all the time, and I don’t care if anyone feels uncomfortable, not my problem! I haven’t celebrated Christmas since she died, just can’t do it; it was her favorite holiday, and she died exactly a week before Christmas. This is a difficult time of year, her birthday on 11/11, her “Angel Day”, then the holidays; but, I somehow make it through every year, as I will this year. I miss her so very much.
Hi Terri, This is Cathy from the St. Paul Chapter. We miss you! And how nice of you to reply to Paula. I hope you are doing as okay as you can this time of year. I think of you often, Cathy, Nina’s and Chris’ mom
Thank you for that. I did do some things that helped me back then ., there very first Christmas we served at a dinner for the homeless . I felt like my son was watching us . It’s bee a long itime but it is like yesterday at times . If you can help others it does help .you and the memories are special .
Hi I make the tree a memory tree angel, wooden fish, memorial ornaments, Matt’s chocolate orange he loved at christmas and this reminds us of him. I light a candle at church. I took a little christmas tree to the crematorium today. We miss him so much xx 3 yes on