Dear Amy: With Mother’s Day and Father’s Day approaching, I want to share my perspective. My husband and I lost our only child. I know people are hesitant to wish me a happy Mother’s Day because they don’t know if it is appropriate, or whether it will cause pain. I am still a mother, but my child isn’t here anymore.
It’s so devastating that there isn’t even a word to define a parent who has lost a child.
Yes, please wish me a happy Mother’s Day. After all, once a mother, always a mother.
— A Mother’s Heart
A Mother’s Heart: For insight, I reached out to the Compassionate Friends (compassionatefriends.org), the national organization that has helped many grieving families to connect with one another, learn from one another and to feel less alone as they walk the path no parent ever wants to take.
Shari O’Loughlin, CEO of the Compassionate Friends, experienced the loss of her own beloved son, Connor. She told me, “Many parents who have experienced the death of their only child (or all their children) appreciate the acknowledgment of their parenthood on these special days. Their love and feelings of being a parent don’t just disappear after their loss.
“Acknowledging the child they cherished and their journey of parenthood can feel supportive. Continuing bonds are experienced by many parents regardless of the age of their child who died. They are a normal part of healthy grieving. We don’t ‘move on’ from our child who died, but rather we move forward with them in a different way.”
“Sometimes people say nothing because they are afraid of causing hurt. But saying nothing frequently makes bereaved parents feel even more isolated and alone.”
“Friends and family members can approach parents by asking an open-ended question: ‘How is Mother’s Day for you?’, giving a parent the opportunity to describe it in their own words and in their own way.
“And then — even if they don’t know how to respond, they can say, ‘I don’t have the words, but I want you to know that I’m thinking about you, and that I care.’
“Here’s what NOT to do: Don’t say, ‘At least…. (you can have more kids; or — you had him in your life for a while…’). Any sentence starting with ‘At least’ tends to diminish the reality of the experience for parents who have lost children.
“Use the child’s name and let the parent know something you remember or loved about her child,” O’Loughlin adds. “Our children’s existence impacted this world. They had identities and relationships, leaving a legacy from their lives. Using their name signifies to parents that they will never be forgotten, and is often one of the best gifts you can give them.”
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Happy Mothers Day, Shari. 🙏😇
Loving, passionate advice. Well said.
Thank you.
Happy Mother’s Day Shari!💖
This will be my first mother’s day without our daughter. She went to bed Weds night and did not wake up Thurs morning. She had a blood clot to her lung, pulmonary thromboembolism. She went to heaven on 10/10/24. She was our only child. This journey is so hard. I thank and praise God for my faith. He is my good and faithful Father.
Thank you Shari. Your Organization has helped My Husband and I tremendously in our loss of My Son and Other Loved ones that have pasted. Your article was very kind ,comforting and so true. God Bless you
Happy Mother’s Day!
For all the people that didn’t know…….
Again…..
Happy Mother’s Day😊
Thank you That is all I wanted was a thinking of you thought it would mean so much
Brings tears to my eyes ! We have lots of memories of Elliana’s gifts she gave many hugs and kisses I’ll never have on Mother’s Day again. She was taken up to heaven on 2/20/2022 my 16 year old angel 😇 please be kind to yourselves with lots of self care and I suggest get a small gift one that your child would want to pick out for you. God bless, Elsa
I try to focus on all the great times with my sons when they were alive. Advice I read once mentioned to think of them doing what they loved most. Thankfully Ian and Daniel and I were able to travel west for a month one year, and another year we went to France and stayed in Paris where we did the art museums ;both my sons were artists. We loved music and saw Willie Nelson, Doctor John, and went to Milwaukee for Farm Aid one year. I am grateful to have enjoyed motherhood.
Good advice. My brother and sister-in-law lost their only child 11 months ago. She’d lived with them well into adulthood. It is a devastating loss that forever altered their lives. I don’t want to intrude on their journey to remake their lives without their child, but also want them to know they are often in our hearts and minds, particularly on important holidays. Reaching out with a gesture requiring no response (because really, we don’t know how they are coping), shows our support. Wishing we could do more but knowing it’s their path and we can cheer them on but can’t change the circumstances.