Dear Grandparents,
We grandparents are put into the unenviable double role with the death of a grandchild. Not only do we lose a grandchild, but we find ourselves in the helpless position of watching our children grieve the loss of their child. Several of the challenges with which we are faced as bereaved grandparents include communicating with our children, being a good listener (often very hard for us grandpas), and trying to understand our roles with our children, other family members, and friends as we face being strong for our children yet giving ourselves room for our grieving process.
As grandparents, one of our greatest challenges is asking ‘why’ did such a tragedy happen to our family. As the family matriarchs and patriarchs, in our minds we are the ones who are supposed to die first. Not our children, and most definitely not our grandchildren. The death of a grandchild goes directly against everything we consider the natural order of our family’s life. The natural order is for us as the matriarchs and patriarchs to go first. Yet here we are faced with the reality of a grandchild’s death before ours. If you are asking ‘why’ or more specifically ‘why not me’ (as I did), you are a normal and loving grandparent.
As grandparents, we also must deal with what I call the double whammy of grief. All our grandchildren are very special to us. Each one is uniquely blessed to touch us in a way no other child does, not even the other grandchildren. My first whammy was the loss of that grandchild’s uniqueness in our heart and our life. My dear BB (our loving nickname for Briellynn Bullard) died within 72 hours of the diagnosis of her cancer. The hole in my life and heart was sudden. BB’s uniqueness is gone. That is an emptiness we will never refill. No matter the time it takes, grandma and grandpa, the hole in your heart and life is sudden. Give yourself time to process and grieve in your own way and time.
The second whammy is the grief and helplessness in comforting our children, the parents of our lost grandchild. We as parents have devoted our lives to the comfort and best for our children. Suddenly we are thrust into a position in which we are very unfamiliar. We are helpless in our ability to comfort our children. Stay involved with your children but give them space to grieve in their ways. Process their grief as you process your own.
In our position as leaders of the family it is important to remember that all family members will grieve differently. We grieve differently than our children (parents) who grieve differently than any siblings (other grandchildren). Remember there are different ways to grieve. Some will grieve by being quiet while others will keep busy occupying themselves with work or hobbies. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Give your family members space and allow various ways of grief.
Always remember there is also no timetable for grief. Some family members will take time, some a very long time. Grief has no timetable. Grandparents, don’t try and push your other family members to adhere to your, or any others, timetable. Grief does not tell time. Grief does not own a clock or calendar. Grief has no timetable for anyone.
I mentioned this earlier to you but feel it is worth mentioning once again before closing my letter. Be careful you get so concerned and involved in your children’s grieving you forget your own grief. This can be especially difficult for grandpas. It definitely was for me. We grandpas want to fix things, especially those of you of my generation. Please don’t forget you, grandma and grandpa, need to also grieve. Pay attention to your grief. Have someone, or somewhere, to go with your pain and grief. You must take care of yourself, or you won’t be able to take care of others.
As I close, remember you most definitely are not alone. The Compassionate Friends (TCF) is indeed your friend. At TCF you are amongst friends who understand your grief and your pain. If your surviving grandchildren view you as their ‘hip’ grandma or grandpa, you are probably a techie. You can access the TCF Facebook Group/TCF-Loss of a Grandchild to be with other grandparents experiencing the same grief, pain, and issues that come with being a grieving grandparent.
I am concluding my letter with our Grandparent’s Credo. Read it often and remember, you are not walking alone.
Grandparent’s Credo
We are the grieving grandparents, shepherds of our children and grandchildren’s lives. Our grief is two-fold. We seek to comfort our children in the depths of their grief and yet we need the time and space to face our own broken hearts. We have been robbed of the special tender touch a grandparent shares with a grandchild. We have lost a symbol of our immortality. As we walk by our child’s side, we both give and draw strength. We reach into their hearts to comfort them. When they reach out to us in their distress, we begin the journey to heal together. Even though at times we feel powerless to help, we continue to be their guardians. We allow traditions to change to accommodate their loss. We support the new ones, which symbolize the small steps on their journey. It is in their healing that our hearts find comfort.
Thank you for reading my letter.
Your grieving grandparent friend,
David
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