When I worked with children and families who had experienced trauma, life-threatening illness, or loss, I often found that asking people to “tell their story” was a helpful way to begin our conversation. One night, I went to visit with a friend’s mother and I realized how life-changing those stories could be.
My friend’s mother was elderly, living in a retirement community. On the night of my visit, my eyes were drawn to the portrait of her eighteen-month-old son with his blond hair, blue eyes, and rosy cheeks. I knew that he had died from a heart condition as a toddler, but we had never talked about her loss. For some unknown reason, I suddenly asked about her story of grief. What I came to realize was that she had never really talked to anyone about her longstanding distress.
She was a woman of the old South—following role models of stoicism and keeping any sadness to herself. Her emotions were raw but invisible to others. For 17 years after his death, nothing in her life relieved her ongoing pain—-not being a successful elementary school principal, not her family, not her religious beliefs. Then, one night, she was watching a newscast during the Vietnam War. Her son would have been draft eligible. She had the sudden realization that her son never had to be drafted, to fight, to kill, or to be killed in a jungle war far from home and family. He didn’t have to die alone and afraid. His short life was filled with love, and he died surrounded by those who loved him most. Though her longing for him remained, the transformative thoughts dramatically altered her grief story and freed her from her suffering.
Her story remained with me for years and I found myself asking others who had experienced a loss if they had had a similar experience—-an “aha” moment in which the world is seen differently and the course of grief is altered. I found this to not be a rare experience and decided to write a book about these transformative thoughts that can reframe the story of grief. These epiphanies, when an individual suddenly sees or understands their loss in a new way, can offer hope and healing.
I have found that reading grief stories about others’ experiences can decrease feelings of isolation, encourage a sense of survival, and provide a spark to lighten another’s path through the dark process of grief.
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