I retired from a wonderful career as a speech and language pathologist after serving in the Albuquerque School District for over thirty years. I worked with children who had special needs and required speech and language therapy. I loved the kids, parents and school setting. It was rewarding to help children find their power in communication skills. The needs of the kids varied, but my goal for each child was always to assist them to express who they were, and to understand the messages from the people in their life. I viewed this as important work because I was an instrument in helping people develop the basic human qualities that connect us with each other: speaking, hearing, reading, and writing.
After I retired, I happily awaited my next and best career: Grandma. My granddaughter, Kaitlyn, was born on May 22,2012. She was a beautiful, strong and healthy child. She was alert, happy and ready to take her position as the new welcomed member of our family. Her mother returned to work when Kaitlyn was three months old and my Grandma job went into full-time action. Kaitlyn and I thrived together for five years. She was my everyday focus and joy. She was the love of my life. Our days were complete with laughter, fun, education, and snuggle time together. We were happy in our atmosphere of love.
We were constant companions and I never imagined our physical bond would end. And, then the unimaginable happened and changed our world forever. Kaitlyn woke up with symptoms unlike the regular childhood ailments kids often get. We brought Kaitlyn to the emergency room and she was diagnosed with a rare and fatal brain cancer called Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma (DIPG). My world of preparing Kaitlyn for an enriched life to grow on altered to preparing her for her death. She lived seven months from that shocking day in April and died November 21,2017. My heart was broken. I was now alone and forced into retirement from being Kaitlyn’s Grandma.
I decided to write a book about Kaitlyn and her short meaningful life and begin my next career as an author. My book was self-published in January 2019. I never published a book before and made a financial investment to achieve this worthy goal. It was bittersweet and highly emotional to share my story. I looked forward to friends and family members reading the book and anxiously awaited their perceptions and comments.
There seemed to be two kinds of responses that forced me to delve into this journey a little deeper. One friend praised the book and told me it was a beautiful love story. She had a son who died from leukemia several years back. She understood the pain that goes with this journey and appreciated the story about my granddaughter, Kaitlyn, and her short, meaningful life. Another friend read the book and reported that there were two spelling errors on the back cover. She felt terrible that a book I devoted so much time, money, and energy to would have a flaw like this and advised me to report this to the publishing company immediately.
I was shocked and embarrassed that my book had errors. I was pleased my book touched the hearts of many as they learned about my grandchild and the bond we shared. I meditated and prayed about all the feedback I received. Questions flooded my mind.
Were the errors a mistake?
Was Kaitlyn’s illness a random occurrence?
Was cruelty involved?
Was a Divine plan in action?
Can I find meaning, acceptance, and even joy in life events that appear wrong and painful?
I do believe some mistakes can be fixed with little effort. Some mistakes force us to examine their significance and think about our reactions. We need to form our goals and decide our intentions. We need to make space for errors and decide when it is important to strive for perfection. Our errors remind us we are human. Perhaps the spelling errors on the back cover of the book were not errors at all. Perhaps they were reminders that we are all human and flaws come with the territory of our life journey. And forgiveness is required when we make a mistake or believe a wrong was committed.
I believe Kaitlyn’s illness and death was part of the Divine plan and not a random act or cruel deliberate deed against my family, Kaitlyn or me. Her life was short, meaningful and complete. She knew how to give and receive love. She knew about valuing nature, people and animals. She loved learning, eating, and teaching. She taught me that I may not always understand why things happen but acceptance will help me continue to live and find my purpose and path.
I concluded that I must continue on my life journey and find my next purpose. Kaitlyn’s illness and death, at her young age, caused a tremendous void and sadness in my life. However, her work here was completed, and she left for her next adventure. And, I must follow her lead and find mine.
I vow to always carry her love in my heart because she enriched my world for five years and for that I am forever grateful. I aim to make her proud of me. I want her to know her time spent with me will never be forgotten but rather will live with all the people she touched when she was here with me, and beyond.
Use the chapter locator to find out information about chapters in your area. Locate a Chapter by selecting your state and zip code.
Comments are closed.
Oh, how we are different. If i thought my son’s death was part of a Divine plan…I would never, ever want anything to do with “the planner” (God) again. Even if it meant separation from Him forever. My son’s life ended short. God didn’t plan for him to go when he did…and yes, he knew it would happen and could have prevented it, but chose not to for whatever reason. The “laws of nature” that He put in place took control. My son pulled out in front of a truck. The laws of nature are such that the dump truck weighed much, much more than his little car and he was killed. My son’s fault….his error. My heartbreak. I don’t “accept” his death. Acceptance says, “I’m ok with what happened.” I’m not okay with what happened.. Thirty eight years have passed and I’m not okay with it. I’ve chosen to take my pain and to try to help others. If I’m wrong in my feelings…I’ve been wrong with lots of things in my life. May have to answer for my many wrongs. May get to ask a few questions myself.
….
Wish you peace and success
I believe we are more alike than different. We know deep grief and strive to make sense of our journey. My acceptance is not approval but just simple acceptance. Like you, I believe in caring and helping others.
Wishing you peace and success too.
Dear Leslie, Your article about your Granddaughter, Kaitlyn, is well written and profound. Your grieving soul and your learning heart portray wisdom, compassion, kindness, and forgiveness – all essential elements in our life’s journey and finding our own path in life.
And about mistakes in your book, I never saw any. A long time ago, when I was helping my husband publish his Ph.D. dissertation, the editor told me, “You will always find mistakes! It’s the nature of publishing.” I’ve never forgotten his wisdom and I believe it is absolutely true. It’s just the nature of writing, I believe.
Thank you for writing such a profound, spiritual book about Love, and for writing this lovely article about your book and your experience with your lovely, Kaitlyn.
Hi Trish,
Thank you for reading my words and commenting. I appreciate your support and wisdom.