Close
Menu
https://www.compassionatefriends.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/AdobeStock_139008509-800x450.jpeg

A Complicated Journey

It is generally acknowledged that the loss of a child is one of the most, if not the most difficult and devastating losses that one can experience. The loss of a child defies the laws of nature. Despite the child’s age, this loss can leave an indelible mark on the hearts and souls of the parents and family members, create great emotional and physical distress, and even fracture relationships within the family structure. Some may question why this loss is given this distinction among the hierarchy of losses, as each individual senses that their loss is equally important and as devastating, however, there are several elements unique to the loss of a child that contribute to making this loss difficult to grieve, creating a complicated journey to healing.

At one end of the spectrum, a pregnancy that ends with a stillborn infant or by miscarriage is a major loss for parents who had hopes, dreams, and an entire future planned for this new addition to their family. Unfortunately, our society has unspoken rules as to what losses are to be grieved and frequently, these losses are not recognized, leaving parents to grieve their loss alone with no support. Disenfranchised grief results as their loss is neither recognized nor seen as valued by society. As the loss is not recognized, expressing grief becomes difficult, causing additional emotional distress and inability to process the loss.

For those parents who experience the loss of young children and teens, most of these losses have been found to result in loss by accidents. The suddenness of the loss is very traumatic, reducing one’s ability to cope with the loss and may produce post-traumatic stress response. Not only will there be shock, denial, and sadness over the loss of their child, but anger towards those who were responsible for the accident. Accidental deaths deny the family an opportunity to prepare for the loss, say their goodbyes, making these losses difficult to comprehend and grieve.

The loss of young adults may include those who have died tragically of drug overdoses or suicide. Families suffering such losses often encounter stigmatization and once again experience disenfranchised grief leaving them alone to suffer a horrible loss. In addition, these losses can also cause feelings of guilt, blame, and unanswered questions that complicate the grieving process.

On the other end of the spectrum is the loss of the adult child. When an adult man or woman dies, the attention and compassion is directed to the spouse and surviving children. Frequently, the surviving parents are neglected, never being acknowledged that they have now lost a cherished son or daughter. They have not only lost a child, but someone they thought was going to care for them in their later years. In some cases, these grandparents are now thrust into assuming the roles and responsibilities of the father or mother now that their child is no longer there to raise their grandchildren. This can have a drastic effect on their lifestyle. Yet for others, concerns for what will happen if the remaining spouse will re-marry in the future, and they will lose access to their grandchildren. Creating major shifts in one’s roles and responsibilities in life and adding uncertainty in later life after having set life’s goals, can result in anxiety and distress in addition to the loss of a dear child.

As a bereavement counselor, I frequently hear the expression from bereaved loved ones’: “I feel as though I have lost a part of myself.” It is the loss of a child that this comment truly is fitting as a child is an extension of oneself. This loss’s devastating nature highlights the importance of support for the surviving loved ones: family, friends, grief support groups, and organizations willing to witness the depth and immensity of the loss. It is particularly important to partner with those who have suffered a similar loss for it is those who understand not only what it feels to experience such a loss but can help navigate the rocky pathway towards healing.

Find a Local Chapter

Use the chapter locator to find out information about chapters in your area. Locate a Chapter by selecting your state and zip code.

Comments (3)

  • My only child, a son, who was 53, died on Jan 23, 2024 of an embolism in his heart. I am not married. His birth father died last year also and we had been divorced for many years. I am still grieving and crying I don’t know what to do next. I’m stuck. I can barely bathe myself. I have no interest in keeping my home clean. I go nowhere, except for getting some food or going to the doctors for my medicine. I hope that reaching out to this organization will help me fin my new path. Thank you for reading this.

  • My only child, a son, died On December 9, 2023. He was a life long asthmatic, had developed heart disease and recently been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. He had a horrible asthma attack, and his weakened heart could not sustain the attack. He was 55 yo, an absolute joy to everyone, kind-hearted, family comedian, generous, forgiving and compassionate doing outreach to the homeless. as an ordained minister. I am devastated but know he would not want me to remain joyless for the rest of my days on earth. He was a go getter , and expects me to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and make him proud. I’ve done lots of reading about death and dying, and have made a conscious , deliberate decision to choose joy. I find joy in serving others and now volunteer in pastoral care at a local hospital. I’m a writer, and had not written anything in over 40 years. I’m writing a children’s book -in memory of my son -about death and dying. I recently had a poem published in an Amazon book ‘One Page Poetry” about the battle between grief and joy raging in my heart. All of this is part of my healing despite the fact that this wound is now a scar that will never leave. I’ll always remember Rob with joy, although I’ll always mourn his loss. I can’t change the unchangeable…Rob is gone so I must change myself to grow beyond the unchangeable. I have days I cry uncontrollably, I give myself grace and understand there will be other days like that as long as I live. But in between those times, choose joy-whatever brings you some measure of joy. Whatever you did that made you smile before January 23, 2024, do it and do it sooner rather than later. If possible please attend the TCF National Conference in July 2025. You’ll find hundreds of hurting parents ready with a listening ear..

  • We lost our son, Jesse age 21 to suicide in 2007. I t feels like yesterday. It is true we are changed, time does not heal but I took this loss and intergraded it into my life where Jesus is. I choose to walk with Jesus. Our other child woke up with stage 4 glioblastoma 1.5 yrs ago. I hurt, I cry. I am so blessed to take her to all here appointments. We paint together, we’ve made cross keychains and terrariums that we delivered to Hospice and Baptist Children’s Home.. We will be teaching a Kidz Class at Hospice on how to make the terrariums in a few months. I paint rocks and we pray over them and give them to folks at the hospital for treatment. Now I have to paint rocks for 2 sets of Duke appointments as my husband was recently diagnosed with cancer.
    I’m crushed but not done as i am a warrior. I believe I wake up every day because someone needs me. I’ve been running for 47 years- this is healing. Do all friends understand me ? No, I have lost friends but I gain friends along the way. I cry, yes, just about every day. I stay close to Jesus and try to breathe and enjoy every minute with our daughter and my hubby !! Is it tough, yes but when asked, how are you? “I’ good thanks considering our circumstances.” works !!! Coffee with a fried helps. My hubby and I getting on our Harley help. Walking a mile at the park with our daughter and her walker- all a Blessing ! God make us warriors ! I pray soeone may get a glimpse of hope with my sharing today.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Sign Up for the Compassionate Friends Newsletter

  • Phone: 877.969.0010
© 2025 The Compassionate Friends. Privacy Policy
This site was donated by the Open to Hope Foundation in loving memory of Scott Preston Horsley.
BBB Accredited Charity Best America Independent Charities of America 2012 Top Ten Grief & Loss