Ask Dr. Paulson-June 2011

Mary A. Paulson, PhD, is a bereaved sibling as well as a child and adolescent psychologist at Harding Hospital in Worthington, Ohio. Her question and answer column, aimed at bereaved siblings and the family that loves them, appeared in TCF's national magazine, We Need Not Walk Alone (and previously TCF's National Newsletter) for 15 years. She has now retired from writing this column and Dr. Heidi Horsley, licensed psychologist, social worker, and bereaved sibling will continue answering sibling related questions in We Need Not Walk Alone. We will continue to run past columns from Dr. Paulson in the national e-newsletter. Thank you to Dr. Paulson for her dedication in support of bereaved siblings.

Q. My older brother, Brian, died in an accident that took place 20 years ago. He was only 12 years old. There are two surviving siblings—myself and my brother Daniel, who is now 35. In many ways, I feel like it is my destiny to preserve the memory of my brother Brian. However, Daniel is afraid to dig deep into the past because he is afraid of the emotions that will resurface. I’ve been looking through and scanning the photos, and I have to admit that dealing with the topic is like dealing with the most powerful and sad of all human emotions. Even today the feelings overwhelm me. I want to put together some sort of online memorial for my brother and possibly a memorial foundation down the road, but I really need some advice in terms of how to handle and introduce this discussion to the other members of my family. Part of me gets scared by the emotions that will resurface and the other part thinks that I can do something very beautiful that would touch anyone’s inner soul. I would really appreciate any suggestions as I try to make this important decision.

A. You sound like the brave soul who chooses to mention the pink elephant standing in your living room that everyone else is struggling desperately to avoid seeing. One of the most exasperating aspects of grief is that it often takes on different forms for different individuals. Others may not be at the same place in their grief nor find the same value from what has been helpful for you. Having said that, consider how your family works. In the past, when you’ve encountered things that were difficult to talk about with your family, what was most helpful in discussing the subject? For instance, you may want to ask for their input about what memorial they would like to be involved with, or you may want to choose what you would like to do, and then invite them to be a part of it. Whatever you decide, be sure to discuss your desire to share this process with them. As a family, your lives are shared, as is your grief. Mention that you would also like to find some way to continue to share your deceased brother’s life, memories, and love—together! You may find that when faced together, the emotions are not as overwhelming, and can even be comforting. And, in sharing this process, you and your family may feel that your own relationships become stronger.