Helping Yourself Through the Holidays

The stores and malls are already filled with many of the signs and sounds of the holidays. Each year the frenzies of buying and selling seem to begin earlier and earlier. The merchants want to get as much possible out of this time of the year, so the world is bombarded with the “sights and sounds” of the season.
    Most individuals look forward with a certain amount of anticipation to Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and Christmas. The one who has lost a sibling or a child this past year or even years before looks to this time of the year with great dread and even fear.
    They wish, in a way, that they could go to bed on November 1st and wake up on January 2nd of next year.
    The first holidays after the death of a loved one may be especially difficult for the survivors. If you or someone you know is facing the holiday season and dreading feelings of emptiness, there are a number of things you can do to cope. Don’t be afraid to grieve, if you need to, and set aside time to be alone if you want. You can also relive the happy memories by talking about your loved one to those who care.
    It has been suggested that people do what they want to do, whether that means staying home, going to religious services or visiting family or friends. If you seem to enjoy this time or a special event, don’t feel guilty. Experiencing joy is giving and receiving. This doesn’t mean that you have forgotten your child or sibling or that you loved him or her any less.
    The griever enters this time of the year with a number of questions about their grief. They have a number of fears and concerns. Let’s look at some of them so we can get a better understanding of what the griever sees in most cases:
    First, there is the anticipation of the pain of the holidays—The pain of facing “the first” holiday without that very special child or sibling. Then there is the fear and pain of other people being happy and joyous when you are not and are very alone. We live in a family society and while everyone else will be with family, you will be alone or missing a family member! Solution--try to plan ahead and be with someone and spend the day or a few days with those you love. Don’t make it a taboo to talk about your loved one, and balance your time with others with some time alone for yourself.
    Second, the fear of preparation for the holidays—Grief is very tiring and taxing. It drains those who are grieving. The holidays are also a very busy and tiring time, as we all know—the sending of cards, the buying, wrapping, cooking, and giving of gifts. The holiday parties and even the special holiday music and programs seem to make the griever not have any energy at all. They want to be alone and not involved.
    Solution--No one says that you have to do any of those things. If it makes you feel good to cook and bake and buy--do so--if it doesn’t, don’t. Don’t allow others to put you into their mold.
    If you decide to do things—make a plan and work it. Send out a few cards a day—buy a gift at a time, and not all at once. Pace yourself—don’t over do it! It is most important that you don’t impose things on yourself that you can’t do.
    You might want to use special ways to memorialize your love one. Suggestions may be:
•    Give a gift in memory of your child, brother, or sister.
•    Attend a special memorial service and pay respect to those you love and miss.
•    Make a special ornament and hang it on a tree in memory of your loved one.
•    Do for others and it will make you feel good.
•    Organize your shopping with a specific list and a budget.
•    Divide responsibilities for meals, decorating, or wrapping with your family.
•    Take time for others--contact your local churches or charities for information about serving food to the homeless or collecting gifts for needy children. This may be especially helpful if you’re away from loved ones during the holidays.
•    Take time for yourself—enjoy the holiday season as best you can. The purpose of the season is to create happiness. And if you are happy, those around you will be, too!
•    Be careful of “should”—it is better to do what is most helpful for you and your family. If a situation looks especially difficult over the holidays, try not to get involved.

    And don’t forget: Anticipation of any holiday is so much worse than the actual holiday.

    Keep a balance in your life and remember that you are loved.

Dr. Drake, a bereaved sibling with a long background on the subject of grief and grief recovery, was a much sought after speaker and was a writer as well as a public relations director for a funeral home group in Florida, prior to his death in 2005.