Early in its
development, The Compassionate Friends (TCF) became very aware that the
death of a child was, in fact, a tragedy for the entire family, not just
for the parents. Recognizing that surviving siblings were often the
“forgotten mourners,” TCF integrated siblings into its language and
its programs.
Within this
group there is a unique survivor—the adult
sibling, who lives away from home. Adult siblings may be in college, may
be working in another part of the country or overseas, or perhaps married
with a family. Nevertheless, each remains an integral part of a family
that is struggling to recover from the death of a child.
The
Loss of History
Each family
has its own special history and the shared bonds that become a part of
that history. When a sibling dies, the bonds are shattered and the history
forever has a void that cannot be filled. There will always be memories of
growing up in the family that can no longer be shared. As Barbara Rosof
says in her book, The
Worst Loss: How Families Heal from the Death of a Child:
Today’s
families are smaller; many children have only one sibling. For such
children to lose their sibling makes them an only child, a sole survivor.
The child they grew up with, who lived through their childhood with them,
their witness, is gone.
The
Void in the Family
One poignant
view of this void is offered by Richard A. Dew in
Rachel’s Cry: A Journey Through Grief, a collection of poetry
he wrote following the death of his son Brad:
Family Circle
In
my family there are many roles
To be filled: some play Provider, Peacemaker,
Problem Solver, Helper and Healer,
Others are Encourager, Comforter, Nurturer,
And still others Fixer, Learner and Teacher.
But given the cast that we depend on,
Who stands in when the Fun-maker’s gone?
New
family roles may emerge that might not ever have been considered. A
surviving sibling may have to replace a brother or sister as the caregiver
for elderly parents; another may be named as the guardian for surviving
nieces or nephews. Fulfilling these new roles can also cause adult siblings
to put off dealing with their own pain and loss as they embark on their
personal grief journey.
Another aspect of
the void may find the survivor feeling abandoned by the sibling whose role
has always been that of the dependable ally in times of crisis—ironically,
at the time of life’s worst
crisis.
Remorse
There
will be times when adult siblings have, for one reason or another, not
remained close. Such a bereaved sibling may
feel remorse or
even guilt,
because
they have grown estranged. Barbara Ascher, whose younger brother died
at age 31, writes in her book, Landscape
Without
Gravity:
Siblings may be ambivalent about their
relationships in life, but in death the power of their bond strangles the
surviving heart. Death reminds us that we are part of the same river, the
same flow from the same source, rushing towards the same destiny.
Were
you close? Yes, but we didn’t know it then.
Understanding
If
the surviving sibling is married and the spouse has not experienced this
loss, it may introduce stress into the relationship. Individuals grieve
differently, and the spouse may be bewildered and even unsympathetic that
this loss is causing so much sorrow in their own family. This situation can
often provoke comments such as, “Why are you so upset? You haven’t been
close to your family for years.” While this may sound reasonable, the
emotions of grieving and mourning are seldom reasonable—or even rational.
Spouses may need to be told how they can
be supportive. One woman simply asked her husband for a hug whenever she
felt especially sad about the death of her sister.
Finding
Support
Many
siblings find it is helpful to talk to others about their brother or sister.
However, even good friends can quickly become uncomfortable with the
subject, often at just the point when their support is most needed. Some
communities offer sibling support groups, and adult siblings are welcome to
attend meetings of The Compassionate Friends.
Often,
simply finding another bereaved sibling with whom to share concerns and
feelings provides a path to healing. Adult siblings may be living in areas
where no one knew their deceased brother or sister—perhaps no one even
knew they had a sibling. This can be very painful at a time when the
surviving sibling longs to share a memory.
In this case, it may be helpful to seek out and communicate with
people who knew their brother or sister.
It
is said that when your parents die, you lose your past; when your spouse
dies, you lose your present; and when your child dies, you lose your future.
However, when your sibling dies, you lose your past, your present, and
your future. After all, the relationship between siblings is potentially the
longest of their lives.
The
death of an adult sibling at any age is a significant loss. The
acknowledgement and validation of this important loss by family members,
friends, co-workers, and even by the surviving siblings themselves, can ease
the path toward healing.
©2007 The
Compassionate Friends, USA - All rights reserved
These materials are protected by U. S. COPYRIGHT and are provided here
for personal use only. Reproduction for mass distribution or for use on
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Order through the TCF Exclusives section of our grief resources.
The Compassionate Friends
P. O. Box 3696, Oak Brook IL 60522-3696
Phone (Toll Free): (877) 969-0010 Fax: (630) 990-0246
www.compassionatefriends.org
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